The news itself wasn’t any great surprise to me. I had sort of assumed it was coming, as he had hinted at it so many times over the past year. Still, when he finally put it into words this morning, I found myself reacting in ways I hadn’t expected to.
What exactly are you supposed to feel when your best friend, the person you depend on for almost everything, tells you that he’s permanently moving to China? How are you supposed to feel knowing that they won’t be by your side whenever you need them? What are you to expect for the future of your relationship?
I’ve never thought that any news could be so bittersweet. I am happy for him, so happy. It’s amazing that he feels so at home and at peace there. It’s amazing that he’s living the life that I’ve always wanted for him, the life he so deserves to be living. It’s amazing that he can be this miraculous person who moves away to travel and explore other worlds.
It’s just, I wish that I could be there with him. I wish that I could be that person too. It’s not that I don’t think that I’m capable of it necessarily, although he is much braver than I am. It’s more that he already has it all planned out. He’ll return home for the next year to finish up college and then move back to China, and then his life will be his own. I worry that I won’t have that until much later in my life, and I don’t want to have to wait around for it.
The truth is, it’s not just that he’ll be gone, it’s that the thought of him leaving only sparked within me the thoughts of all of my friends leaving. I took so long trying to figure out my college years for myself that I feel like I’ve delayed my future, and I hate it. I hate thinking about how a year from now all of my friends will be choosing careers and places to live and new adventures, and I’ll still be here. I’ll still be here. I hate feeling left behind.
I know that we’ll all always be friends. It will just be different when we’re all in different places in our lives. I’ve already seen the beginning effects of it. I’ve already seen some of those bonds fade as we move into different cities and different chapters of our journeys. People change. Including me. I’m changing and I know that and I’m grateful for it, but there will always be things that I wish would remain the same. There will always be things that I long to keep just as they are.
It’s not that I regret the decisions I’ve made. I think they were right for me. I just wish that I didn’t feel like my life had to be so much more complicated because of them, because I dream, because I’m me. This isn’t where I had envisioned myself being at 20 (almost 21). I was supposed to do something with my life. I was supposed to be off having grand adventures and creating beautiful things and meeting fascinating people. I was supposed to be who Tommy is.
And I’m not. Not now anyway. I like school, but I don’t want to spend the next couple of years sitting in a classroom gazing longingly at the world beyond. I don’t want my days, my life, to consist of dreams I have yet to fulfill. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to wake up each morning and feel worthwhile. I don’t want the path of my life to look so terribly different from those of my friends. I’m just having a day of doubt about the road less traveled.
I know that it will pass. I know that I’ll eventually get to a place where I can just be utterly at peace with his decision. I know that I’m working towards the kind of life I want to have and the kind of person that I want to be. I just wish that it would hurry up because I’m growing impatient with things as they are. I’m growing impatient with me.
About Me
- Frankie
- "I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London
17 comments:
Sweet Frankie, you sound frustrated and sad and afraid and impatient... But! you are an adventurer, about to go to India! You are creating beautiful things with this blog, your writing is incredible! You are meeting fascinating people (me, perhaps? ;-) ... and you will be doing all this and more in the future too. It's in you. Seriously, if you try to be someone else you will never be happy. I do understand this is a tough, tough moment. T is an beautiful friend to you and you must have very mixed feelings about his news. I suspect he will remain a good friend, and that you will keep finding additional friends (lucky you!). Don't worry too much about being stuck - things never stay the same! Take some time to feel all these mixed up feelings, knowing they are just feelings and will subside, and you will feel centered again. You are an incredible person in your own right. (Did you hear me?) :-)
You know.. you ARE an old soul, because I didn't know you were "almost 21." It is a hard feeling - the separation that comes from growing up.. And as someone who has had a lot of male friends, it's inevitable. and - it just plain sucks. But as some things fade, new things bloom in their place - and it's kind of like the past enriches the soil for the future.
You have so much excitement in front of you - try to savor the moment. I think India is just what you need.
Change can be so difficult, but also so rewarding. I know these feelings you speak of, far too well at times. How many days I go about my day, living a completely different life inside my head. But our adventures are there, here, everywhere. Time carries us at different paces. Life carries us to different places. I struggle to remind myself of these things, to embrace the present moment and realize that my dreams are only as distant as I make them.
Anyways, sorry for the rambling...just wanted you to know I definitely understand your feelings here. Rest assured though, my friend, you are far braver than you will ever know.
love, love, love...
TD
Some of these bonds may actually become stronger over the years and because of the distance too. My best friend, Laini, and I met in college and then for more than TEN years afterwards we lived in different cities, and sometimes even in different countries! The wonderful result was long, LONG letters- some as long as 20+ pages- and neat new places to go visit each other! (Laini and her husband even came to Bulgaria when I was there as a Peace Corps Volunteer). I am certain our friendship would have grown in a totally different direction were it not for what we grew and nurtured in the miles that separated us. These letters- the writing of my own and the reading of hers- are some of my most treasured memories. This process I think affected both of us in extraordinary ways. I hope this may happen with some of your most cherished friends too Frankie. I was actually talking with Laini tonight on the phone and we were commenting how impressive it is that you are just 20 and already so wise and brave. (WHen I was 20, I was quite the goofy opposite!) Anyways, thats all! Have a beautiful weekend!
Don't be in too big a hurry! When you are 4 a year is a quarter of your life, at 20 it's a twentieth. At 50 they go by in a flash, and you wonder where they went...
Savor each moment!
"Our true home is in the present moment.
To live in the present moment is a miracle.
The miracle is not to walk on water.
The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment..."
Thich Nhat Hahn
A page from a calendar I saved years ago to remind myself.
:o)
alan
I am the friend who moved to another country. Trust me, he will cherish and appreciate it so much if you do try to keep in touch. The trouble with your twenties is that you DO lose touch with some people. It is very hard to see friendships wither, but trust me when I say that the old ones you keep will be stronger than you thought possible, and the new ones will be exciting. I'm so sad for you that your friend is going so far away, but your adventures will come when you are ready for them too and he won't be holding you back - just inspiring you!
Wow, do I understand the feelings you are experiencing. When I was 30 my best friend, a male named Tom, moved far away to chase his dreams. I was devastated at my loss. I felt pulled between my sadness and his excitement, so aware of the loss I would feel in his absence.
Later my new "best" friend would move to Europe for a few years. I handled that move much better, felt less afraid of the loss, and welcomed the opportunity for travel her move presented.
After she returned to the city where we both had lived, I fell deeply in love, married, and moved 3,000 miles away! We see each other twice a year, speak on the phone often, and write letters.
I never expected my life would bring me to Puget Sound. But, what a treat! Some things I've planned, some things have been a total surprise. The most fulfilling things in my life have been the surprises!
You seem like a bundle of feelings right now, filled with energy and raring to go. Even if you feel like you are standing still, you aren't. You are flying. As time goes by, your life, which is already wondrous, will become even richer, details filling in new textures and directions shifting with new winds in your flight. You are only now beginning, and the ride will be extraordinary. I hope I am around to read the blogs you will write!
i am also the one that stayed behind...
in more ways than one.
there is so much life yet ahead of you...
enjoy all that you can
:)
Frankie, I really really feel for you. After college the same thing happened to me; all my dear friends scattered to the wind. Even Alexandra moved away, and like your best friend, she did it with panache: Seattle, then Israel, then Bulgaria! But look at us now, old ladies in our 30s, living for the first time in the same city since college. And we have shoeboxes filled with letters -- make your friend write you letters as well as emails, if he doesn't already. They'll be more cherished in years to come. But it is a scary time of change, after college - that's what one of my very first posts was about, and even though it wasn't so recent for me, it's still very vivid in my memory. I wish all the best for you. I sort of wish I could be 20 again and take a shortcut to where I am now (exactly where I want to be) and not fumble around so much in my 20s, but our fumblings shape us just as much as our successes. Just knowing you through your words for a few weeks I have confidence that your life will be full of color and many many new friends and lots of fascinating stories to tell. Embrace every new avenue life leads you to!
That truly is difficult news. No easy response to that one, for sure. As much as everyone quite rightly is assuring you that you will weather this, and that your relationship can in fact become stronger through it... I'm sure it still just pretty much sucks at some level. Of course you are happy for your friend, but you're still upset.
Plus, as you said, things like this also trigger reflection on a whole raft of other related topics, which can seem overwhelming.
I truly believe that the secret to happiness is finding the balance between working your heart out to achieve your dreams, but never letting that interfere with your contentment in the present. That sounds contradictory, but then again, all the important balances of life seem to wind up that way. :-)
Be of good cheer - your life is definitely making a difference - and it will continue to.
Be kind to yourself.
IT IS VERY HARD watching as life unfolds.
Your time will come...and dreams are hope so keep them coming also.
Remember the more mon ( $$$ ) the more fun. Get that education.
Hugs TJ
As someone who is constantly seeking new things but is also very afraid of change, I know where you're coming from. It's hard to be waiting for grand adventures when you still just want to stay with the people and the place you feel most at home. You just have to try to enjoy every moment in the moment instead of worrying about all the changes.
As far as Ms. Crowell goes, I'm so glad you enjoyed my illustration of her. I love that SS people got such a kick out of it! I'm sure I will remember that woman for years to come...
The days of doubt are so very difficult. We forget about them on the days when we feel certain and we forget about the certainty on days like this one. Remember, through it all, you do the best you can.
How hard to hear this news of your friend deciding to move so far away. I imagine you will experience some grief about this my friend. Sit with this grief. Let it take you wherever it leads.
You are so wise, you will know what to do with the answers (and questions) it may give you.
Moving to China, wow what a big difference! Actually you will be going to India soon (ok well not to live at least!) I have just over 3 weeks til I go overseas and that's exciting. I will know that when i'm flying out, you will be in India! I will think of you while i'm on my way =)
Wherever your friends go and wherever you are make the most out of life x
Oh Frankie, how I can empathize with this... I have been out of school for a couple years and my soul mates, my best friends all ended up someone different than me. Even though I knew we would have to "grow up," this didn't ease teh ache. I still struggle with this all the time.
But your new adventures will help ease the transition.
xoxo
You are an amazing person and I'm glad to see that you're writing ... your writing has a wonderful effect on me and seemingly many others, not excluding yourself ... Things will work out the way that they are meant to.
~What are names anyway?
I dont have any huge words of comfort to supply, but I just want you to know that I sympathise with you. Losing a friend is so tough, especially when they are leaving for somewhere so far away. :(
xxx
Jess
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