I Am Awake

I’ve been having so much difficulty sleeping lately. What it is, I’m not really sure: anxiety, excitement, anticipation, a combination of it all. It just feels as though I’ve taken a turn towards something new, some new way of looking at the world and my place in it. It just feels as though nothing will ever be the same way again.

In a good way. In the best way. A week from today, I turn 21. Everyone jokes that it’s all downhill from there. It’s the last birthday of the “oh I can’t wait until I’m finally ___ so that I can finally ___.” At 16 it was driving, at 18 it was buying cigarettes and voting, and at 21 it’s drinking. I’ll legally be of age to do anything I desire.

Which inevitably raises the question, “what do I desire?” Of course there’s the obvious answers: life, love and happiness, but there’s more. There’s so much more. I want adventure. I want to travel to foreign countries and foreign realms of my mind that I have yet to discover. I want to explore. I want to dig deep into the depths of me and only find more layers. I want to understand the earth, not where or what or how, but why it makes me feel so eternally grateful. I want to dance. I want to put my arms out and spin with the universe, the way that I did as a child. I want to look up at the sky, at the sun and the moon and the stars, and feel at home. I want to feel connected. I want my mind and heart and body and soul to work as one, to shine and radiate with love’s companion, joy. I want to finally embrace my own advice and live each day to the fullest. I want to live.

It seems so utterly appropriate that two weeks after my 21st birthday, when I’ve tired of the initial excitement of having no restrictions, I’ll be leaving for India. It seems so utterly perfect that over the next month, I’ll finally be able to let go of those limitations that have been put upon me, that I’ve put upon myself. I’ve spent the majority of my life playing by the rules, doing what I thought was expected of me, listening to what others needed from me. I’ve spent so much time trying so avidly to be selfless, that I’ve ended up losing that part of me that needed to be selfish, that needed time and energy devoted to it. In so many ways, I’ve neglected myself.

And then suddenly here at 4am, an epiphany! From a series of little inspirations that have meant the world to me these past few weeks: Tommy’s remarkable emails, Jane’s thoughtful insights, Sam’s words of kindness, Sharp’s unbelievable wisdom, Meghan’s good advice, Ryan’s nonsense, Kelly’s portrayal of unconditional love, my mother’s honesty, and of course, the beautiful words of my fellow bloggers. It suddenly all added up, all simultaneously clicked in my head at just the right moment. This is my life, my one and only life, and it’s okay to allow myself to feel as though I deserve to be happy. It’s okay to feel as though I am deserving of happiness, because I am, because we all are. I wish that I could listen to myself the way that my friends listen to me. I wish that I could hear my own wisdom. If I were to step outside myself and give me advice, I’d tell me that nothing but my own contentment matters. I’d tell me that it’s a waste to sit around festering in self-doubt, analyzing my every move, questioning the validity of my emotions. I’d tell me that the here and now is waiting for me to jump into it. I’d tell me to jump.

I’ve been having so much difficulty sleeping lately, but in a good way. In the best way. I feel energized and motivated. I feel alert and alive. I feel ready to jump into the moment, into my life, into the universe incessantly burning with beauty. I feel so ready to live, as though the course of my existence so far has lead up to this moment, this morning, this reawakening of my soul. I am awake. I am here. I am ready for the new day.