I am proud to say that I am now the owner of a brand new iBook G4 that is absolutely stunning. While I struggled with my wireless for a while, I think I've finally figured it all out (knock on wood) and will be able to go back to blogging regularly. Thank goodness. I was really starting to go crazy without it.
My former boss, Ed, told me that the girl who replaced me a few months ago quit last week and I'm welcome back if I'm interested. It would be nice and convenient to return to that job I suppose. I already know how to do it well, know the dynamics of the office, know the people I'll be working with. It is good money, which I'm desperate for right now, but I also know that it's too easy for me to just give in to what's safe and available. I know in my heart that I really don't want to be stuck behind a desk again. The job sounds much better in theory than it actually is. I know I'd regret it immeadiately. Still, I told him I'd go in tomorrow and Thursday while he's away with his daughter, and picking up a few easy dollars is never a bad idea. I worry that I have the feeling I'm going to get sucked back in fairly quickly. I have so much trouble saying "no."
What I'm really hoping this will do for me is inspire me to finally go look for a job I'm actually interested in doing. Maybe it's naieve of me to believe that there's a perfect job waiting for me out there, but I think I'd always regret not going to look for it. I know there's something better for me. I just have to figure out exactly what that is.
I've always been so jealous of those people who seem to take the world by storm, who jump from job to job, who aren't afraid to tell their life stories to anyone who will listen. There's something so daring and amazing about them. That's always want I've wanted for myself as long as I can remember, to be friendly and fearless. It's why I get so restless every few months, why I always feel as though I should be doing something else, somewhere else. I always feel as though I should be someone else. I suppose I get scared sometimes that the world is passing me by. I get scared that slowly but surely I am wasting my days, my time, on this earth. I'd say my biggest fear is reaching the end of my life feeling as though I've never lived.
My mom once told me that when she would hold me as a baby, when she would look into my eyes, it would always feel as though I was looking beyond her, looking for adventure in a bigger world. It's funny that I'm still like that. It's funny that even as I sit here writing this, my mind is a million miles away having an adventure in some country I have yet to see. I am always a step ahead of myself, dreaming of my future, dreaming of a life that has been lived to its fullest potential. I am always dreaming. I am always wondering. I am always moving into the future. I always have been.
About Me
- Frankie
- "I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London
6 comments:
You just discovered the curse of the poet. Congratulations. your life is never going to be the same, and you'll no longer be satisfied or comfortable. It'll both make you a better writer, but in certain respects more lonely as well. You give up a lot by having the good story to tell. You give up the promises of the normal quiet life where you'll just blend in. You'll be too busy listening to other people's conversations, looking at life, and trying to find the perfect metaphor. It is something people won't, even poets who don't take the craft as seriously as you do. It's your job for life. And in spite of the sadness, the loneliness, the uncertainty, it's worth every minute.
i was about to leave a comment
and then i read the comment above me
and feel nothing i say
could be better than that...
:)
Sorry...can't agree with the good reverend about the artist's myth thing. It sounds all lofty and ideal but I don't believe for a second that you have to suffer to create. It is a story we tell ourselves so we don't have to truly own our own creativity. It's a backdoor that gives us an out when things get to painful or when we don't have the courage to step up and go after the life we truly want. It's okay to dream. DREAM BIG! It is the first step manifesting those desires. But please, please, please DO NOT believe you have to be sad and lonely and full of pain to do it.
It's not suffering, it's disatisfaction. It's the itch in the back of the mind. The question that goes unanswered. Art isn't a cute little hobby, it isn't something that is done because it'll make you look good, or will please others. You do it because you have to. I've spent enough time around artists to know that the great ones, the ones who really care and get it all share this. No matter how pissed off you get, how much you want to pack it in and not do it anymore, that little itch comes back, telling you to look at something. This isn't suffering, it is something that follows you for the rest of your life. And unfortunately, when it comes to writing, most people won't care. Musicians, people are interested. Actors as well. Tell them you are a poet and all of a sudden they are one too and they pull out a note book filled with the one hundred poems they wrote this morning (no lie, this has happened to me and many of my friends). I'm not suffering to create. It is out of the suffering, joy, love, whatever that I create.
this entry reminds me of Kafka's novel Amerika, in which the protagonist is sent across the Atlantic and then across the US, partly by chance and partly in search of a job that will allow him to prosper. you have obvious talent--so obvious, i think, that even a myopic employer would notice it
Sorry reverend...still can't agree with you on some of the things you say. I am in no way suggesting that art is a "cute little hobby". And to say that the "itch" comes from dissatisfaction doesn't ring true to me. I do agree that all artists feel the drive, the need to create out of whatever emotion they may feel. I also don't understand why you think it is "unfortunate" that when you share with someone that you're a poet, that you then have a problem when they say they are too and produce their work. I would think it was wonderful if someone actually pulled out their notebook filled with hundreds of poems. They're creating, just like you're creating, and that should be celebrated!
Sorry...Frankie...all I was trying to convey to you was that you can create whatever life you want for yourself. It is simply a choice away.
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