There was a time in my life when all I wanted to do was write letters. Every day I'd return to my dorm room after class and pour my heart out onto paper for one of my friends to read. It's an exercise I miss greatly in my daily life. It's different now. I have trouble expressing all of the things I want to say. Somehow I felt safer in Michigan, with a state between us. I felt like I could be emotionally available without fear of having to face my vulnerability in any of their eyes. Why is it so easy to write how I feel and so utterly difficult to say it?
I often feel much more impressive on paper than I actual am. Or maybe I'm less impressive in person than I actual am. In either case, it's distressing. There are times when I want to just blurt out to someone "I adore you," but I don't. I can't. I'd like to say that I stopped myself, because that would be easy to remedy, but it's more than that. In my head, I can play conversations over and over again, compose the wording just so, hearing the rhythm and timing I've mapped out for emphasis. In my head, my life moves like a movie. I always know the right things to say. I make little witty remarks and grandly quotable speeches. I am deep and intellectual and profound. I am the person inside my head.
But the person outside my head completely changes all of that. Sometimes I find myself so despairingly awkward, it's almost inconceivable. I can never be or say exactly what it is I want. I constantly find myself so overwhelmingly happy and grateful and at a loss for how to even begin to express it.
That's why those letters meant so much to me, and why I miss feeling strong enough to write them. In each of those letters I was able to freely share my love and gratitude to the recipient. I could say all of the things that I always want to say and can't. I could be the person I felt like I should be. I did it for me, but I also did it for them. I wanted them to have something that they could look at everyday and know that they were loved. I wanted them to have something that they could unexpectedly stumble across fifty years from now and know that they were loved. I wanted them to know, always, that they were loved. I wanted them to know how remarkable they always have been.
I'm only writing about this because there's a letter I'd like to write now and am having trouble summing up the courage to write it. Even writing it in this blog is making me anxious for some unknown reason. I suppose it's rather difficult to tell someone you barely know, barely see, that you think the world of them.
I think the world of you. I know that we've never been that close, but I've always known that you were wonderful. I think that's, ironically, why I've never gotten very close to you. Your incredible character intimidates me. I think that you're so intelligent and kind and funny and the awkward little girl in me was always afraid that if you got to know me, you'd realize how unworthy I was to be in your presence. It sounds so silly, I know, but that's who I am. I'm sorry that I didn't spend more time trying to be your friend, because in truth, having the honor of calling you my friend would mean everything to me. I'm so glad that despite all of that, you've been speaking to me lately. I'm so happy when you IM me or I get to see you. I'm so grateful that I have this opportunity to tell you all of this, and I hope that someday soon I'll feel close enough to you to tell you face to face. I won't go into too much detail. I think it's easier to leave this somewhat anonymous, but if you know that it's you, I want you to understand that I admire you more than you'll ever know. I think that you are so amazing and I know that your life will be nothing short of phenomenal, even if it doesn't always feel like it now. Call me naive, but I still believe in Karma. I still believe that good things happen to good people, and you, my dear, are one of the best. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I have every faith that you'll find it. I guess what I'm saying is, I adore you.
I just thought that you should know.
About Me
- Frankie
- "I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London
9 comments:
"I am deep and intellectual and profound. I am the person inside my head. But the person outside my head completely changes all of that. Sometimes I find myself so despairingly awkward..." Frankie, you perfectly describe that disconcerting schism I feel between who I am or imagine myself to be in my head, in contrast to how I act or how other people perceive me to be. So well said. I can't imagine the person you adore not feeling very blest to have your loving self in their life. happy new year! snowsparkle
I hope that you realize you are a worthwile young woman. One of the things that attracted me to your web sight is that you appear to be an attractive person on the inside as well as out. But a sad fact is that there are things we should say to people, but don't, because of the reasons that you stated. Do yourself a favor and try to find a way to tell people how you feel about them. An unfortunate fact is that we sometimes do wait too long and sometimes miss the opportunity to say so. I love you is probably one of the most important statements you can make to anyone. It also has the most risk.
By the way Frankie, if you are still wanting to ask me any personal questions you better get the lead out. Tomorrow is the last day for this.
1) Childhood toy - Blocks and/or leggos, they had so many possibilites. I loved just taking them out, building something, then destroying it again.
2)The Pogues - They were the first band I listened to that were outside of the main stream. It opened up a world of music I had never heard before and made me want to find other stuff like it. Plus they are Irish so that makes it especially good.
My two for you are:
1)What draws you to poetry?
2)What is your favorite holiday and why?
Dearest Frankie,
The truth is that all those things that you see in the one that you adore you actually possess yourself or you wouldn't be able to see them. Makes sense? Whe we find ourselves being intimidated or losing our power around someone we admire it usual means that they are mirroring back to us a quality that we haven't quite integrated into ourselves.
The other thing that moved me about your post was something I've been giving a lot of thought to lately: If you want to know how someone wants to be loved look at how they love. I read your words and see that you long for someone to express to how much you are loved and adored. Like me, you probably hold on to those shreds of paper that someone scribbled a kind word on. This is because you recognise the courage it takes to hold your heart out to another. Beautiful post. And if you need to tell someone how much you adore them then do it. Do it without embarrassment. Do it without apology. Because at the end of the day we're truly only on the planet to do two things: 1) Love and learn about love; and 2) create. Hope the year to come brings you all your heart desires.
What's just as bad (ok, that's an exaggeration) as running through scenarios in my head where, as you described perfectly, I'm witty and funny and just completely "on" that never unfold in real life (and damn does that happen a lot) is that I have a PERFECT French accent when I form sentences (in French) inside my head, but as soon as I open my mouth everything comes out jumbled and American-sounding. It's a tough life, I tell ya.
Can't wait to see you on Monday!
Or you could be like me, imagining yourself as the swashbuckling hero rescuing the damsel in distress.
Such beauty in your words. May you continue to find courage inside to speak them aloud. At the same time, I am so glad you posted them here so we can read them and learn from your honesty.
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