I've been feeling so disconnected lately. My mind feels a million miles away from my body. My body feels a million miles away from the world. Sometimes I have to look at myself in the mirror and be reminded that I am here, alive, existing. My sleeping and eating habits have become so varied and out of sync that it's become increasingly difficult to believe the rest of the world is still functioning normally. It's difficult to grasp that everyone else is here, alive, existing. It's difficult to know that the rest of the world isn't feeling the way that I do.
I'm hoping that this is the heart of it. This has to be the heart, the worst point, the peak of my depression. This morning I woke up crying for no particular reason, for every reason. I just feel so trapped. In this house, in this life, in my own skin. I am constantly making lists in my head of things I want to do, things that might make my life worthwhile, but within seconds of their excitement, they begin to lose their grandeur. Nothing seems to hold my interest.
I know. I know what I need to do logically. I know that nothing is as bad as it seems and what I really need is to just snap out of it, but I'm having trouble listening to my head. I've never been one for logic. I've never been one to do the practical thing. To be honest, I'm not even sure what that is at this point. I know it involves some kind of structure to my otherwise lazy lifestyle. All I've wanted to do lately is numb myself with mindless entertainment and food and sleep. I hate feeling numb, and moreover, I hate wanting to feel numb. I'm currently facing a combination of the two.
I'm currently facing the heart of depression. Not the glorified artistic kind of sadness I've always sort of longed for in a way, but real, painful, numbing depression. It isn't deep or poetic. It's horrible and spirit breaking. It's what I failed to recognize in others as anything more than a bad day. I guess in some ways, it has at least given me that, given me a broader understanding of the despair people feel. Perhaps I needed this bit of time to be devastatingly unhappy. Perhaps it will guide me to something new, something I need that hadn't occurred to me when I was content with my life. Perhaps, at the heart of it, this is only a new beginning. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so badly.
About Me
- Frankie
- "I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London
3 comments:
Ahhh...the dark night of the soul. I wish that it didn't hurt as bad too. OUCH! But I do not doubt that you will find the means you need to live each day in the way you were meant to live it, and to become the person you were meant to be. Be patient and trust yourself.
Your writing style is so captivating and real. I'm suddenly addicted to reading your work. I'm grateful you commented on my blog so it could lead me to your writing.
I felt like crying the other day too, though my lowest low was long ago at a time when I was having infertility issues. Self-esteem and everything plummetted until I started volunteering at a local children's hospital. It was hard at first. I felt hollow and something like an imposter, but I kept showing up and over time, I blossomed. The bars of my self-imposed prison vanished. And miraculously I became pregnant within 6 months after having tried for 8 unfruitful years.
Trust your intuition and take one step in that direction. Wishing you well,
snowsparkle
the hurting, it is so hard. it can be so deep and full of such stuff. i call it the guts of life. it is sometimes the good stuff. seriously. because it is through this that you realize that you feel. that you are not numb. that you are truly living. i send you moments of peace and calm in the midst of the pain (and also a hug).
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