Day By Day

I can't believe there's less than a month left of this year. 2005, where did you go? I remember a time when a year seemed like an eternity, those childhood days where I'd have a running countdown to important events, marking the days off on my calendar. It was a time when each day held significance as the beautiful gift it was, as a new adventure filled with discoveries and realizations. The older I get, the less I seem to have that feeling. Days come and go. Events sneak up on me faster than I'd like them to. I worry things will only speed up as I move into the future.

It's not that I'm not grateful for each day because I am. It's more that I have less time to stop and smell the roses. Everything has become so routine that it's difficult to see the new discoveries and realizations made each day. It's difficult to mark each year with a significant change in myself.

I'm ready for this year to be over, ready for a new beginning. It hasn't been a bad year as I don't believe in "bad years," but it hasn't necessarily been a good one. I know that it's ridiculous to mark my thoughts and feelings and attitude by the date, but the prospect of a new year ignites the possibility for change, and I need a change. I'm hoping 2006 will inspire that within me. I can take a stand and say to myself "this will be the year that things get better," and even just by saying it, I know it will be true. It has to be true.

I have to take time to stop and smell the roses, but also need to learn how to blaze through the world like an inescapable fire. I need to move both slower and faster all at once. I need to learn how to live up to my potential because I can't afford to feel as though I've wasted anymore time. I can't afford to feel so unproductive.

When I was younger, marking the days off one by one, I had so many aspirations for myself. I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had an exact image of my future. Things have changed since then. The world is different than I thought it would be, bigger, scarier. I always knew I wanted to be a small town girl until the moment I was in a small town and then realized that could never be my life. I'm not a small town girl. I need more, want more, and I always will. The trouble is, now what I want feels too big, and I feel stuck not knowing how to take it all on, how to even begin. I'm stuck in some limbo between a small life and a grand one, and I can't seem to move further into either direction.

So for the next few weeks I'll mark the days off on my calendar, moving one day at a time into the new year, into the new life I want for myself. I'll move forward into a world that is too big and too small to contain me. I'll move forward on my path that is mine and mine alone, and that will be better. I will be better. I have to be.