Reconnecting

It seems I've done something to anger the computer Gods. Every computer I touch turns against me and suddenly stops letting me connect to the internet for reasons far too technical for me to fix. Anyway, I apologize for the lack of updates.

My dear, dear friend, Kat from California is visiting me this week. It's been so wonderful having her here, as though we have a million things to catch up on and at the same time, not a moment has passed between us. It's funny how those moments with long lost friends always feel that way. Some things never change.

And some things do. We are different people than we were the last time we saw one another. We've both discovered how big the world can be, and in truth, how sad it can often be. I think what I like best about having her here is that she's been feeling very much the same way that I have, depressed and restless, ready to start something new but not quite ready to get out of bed and face the world. There are hundreds of people I can talk to, confide in about my feelings, and I know how blessed I am to have that. Still, there's a difference between talking to people who listen and people who understand. Kat understands. There have been numerous times throughout her stay here when I've been able to say "yes, me too," and there is tremendous comfort in that. I'm really happy she's here.

It's also been so nice just to have someone around all the time to sit with, talk with, laugh with. We've been having so much fun. We went to the Pringles on Thursday and sat up all night talking with them. They're really such amazing people and I found myself wishing I had spent more of my high school days there, more time just sitting by the fire and talking about life than partying in the woods. I don't regret the friends I chose to spend my time with or the parties I attended, but I wish I had devoted a few more nights to alternative ways of living. I was never very good at balancing different worlds of friends.

Friday night we went out for coffee with Christa, who I haven't seen in ages. It was so fantastic to see her. She's become so beautiful and self assured, far from the young timid girl I knew in high school, but so close to the person I always knew she could be, she would be. I was so happy to see her in her glory. Everything about her was wonderful. Sitting across from her, listening to her stories about her summer in France, I suddenly realized that I've known Christa for eighteen years. We've never really been best friends and in truth, I don't think about her constantly the way I do with my other friends. I don't wonder about her life all the time, but having a friend that you've known for your entire life is rare, and having a friend you've known for your entire life as remarkable as Christa is extremely rare. I am blessed to know her.

Then I started thinking about all of my other friends, both the groups I do and don't see often. It's amazing to know that we could call each other up after forty years of not speaking to one another and still be friends. I know in my heart that it's true. It's such a wonderful feeling. It's wonderful that they can seem completely different and exactly the same all at once. That's what I love most about them.

Yesterday we had lunch with Meghan and Sam at the apartment of our mentor, Court VanRooten. He had been our high school director, on and off the stage, and has become one of my dearest friends. It was so lovely to see him and catch up, especially with my fellow Players. We discussed life over coffee, opera blaring in the background, Court's grand collection of paintings and photographs covering the walls around us. Suddenly we've become adults, sophisticated adults, expressing opinions about theatre and music and adventures. It was an odd moment to feel so cultured and grown up.

At the same time, I felt a bit removed. I haven't been involved in performing arts since high school and hadn't realized just how much I had been missing it until yesterday. I miss being on stage. I miss being backstage. I miss being a part of this group of creative and talented people that nakedly bare their souls to an audience. I realized I'm sort of empty these days.

What I love and hate most about Court is the way he knows exactly how I'm feeling, sometimes before even I do. It's phenomenal to have someone who knows you, understands you, that way. At the same time, it's impossible to have secrets. It's impossible to fake happiness and contentment when you want to. The second I hugged him hello, I unexpectedly wanted to weep in his arms. He knew it too. I became quiet and reserved, afraid at hinting at the disarray of my life, but my silence attested more to it than my words ever could. I've never been very good at hiding my feelings.

On the upside of that, I've never been good at hiding my love either, and it's one of the things I value most in myself. I do have such endless love for everything around me, especially for those friends both in and out of my everyday life. I am so blessed to have these people and I know that. I spend every moment knowing that. It's why my life, in whatever state it is, will always be beautiful. Thank you my dearest friends, both old and new, for giving me the chance to love you. I am so much better for it.