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"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being

This morning I was thinking about the unbearable lightness of being. Milan Kundera will have to forgive me for stealing his title, his line, his idea. It’s a wonderful book, but I was thinking less about the novel and more about the words themselves. The unbearable lightness of being.

I’m twenty years old and still cannot watch a full hour of the news without crying. It’s sort of something I keep to myself. In so many ways, I’m desperate to watch it each night, to stay updated on current events, to know what’s going on in the world. Unfortunately, I can’t let it stick to my brain the way I want it to. Instead it pours down me, through me, into the depths of me. I feel with every inch of me, the pain and suffering of the world. I think about the people they don’t show on TV; the families, the children, the spectators of it all. I weep for them. I weep for our world. I weep for our lives.

Sometimes it feels as though my heart is too big for me. I’m so consumed with emotion that I can’t function in a logical, practical world. I can’t let things roll off my back or stand as they are. I can’t separate the way that I feel from the way that I think. Perhaps because what I think, what I feel, is that they shouldn’t be separate. How can there be so little compassion in a world that needs nothing more?

It isn’t just that I can’t watch or listen to other people’s pain without feeling it too, it’s that I feel all their beauty and happiness as well. It’s always been my greatest strength and my greatest weakness that I feed off of the emotions of others. A friend in a bad mood can deter me from my night in an instant. A friend in a great mood can fill me with such delight that I wonder how anyone could ever possibly be sad in such a perfect world.

I am forever in awe of the way a flock of birds erupts from a tree into the limitless sky. The way raindrops dot the surface of the earth, hitting bodies of water as grand as the ocean and as poignant as a puddle, twinkling like stars as they become one with their brothers. The way the early morning light cascades over the roofs, pours down over the hillside, illuminating every object, moment, soul. A child laughs. A grown up laughs. Somewhere someone is saying I love you. Somewhere someone is hearing it. Two old friends reunite. Two new friends share secrets over coffee. A life comes to a comforting end. A new life begins. The universe continues on.

And I feel it. It aches deep within my heart, as though any second I will burst with gratitude. I think it stems from never feeling beautiful myself. As someone who’s not beautiful, I’ve learned to find, to seek it out, in everything around me. That’s why I can look at a rock and see a soul, why the stars burn my senses, why rain fills me with joy. That’s why I can see the world as an invitation for love. There’s a beauty that comes from feeling both happy and sad. There’s a comfort that comes from allowing myself to be human. There’s a lightness that comes from being.

And yes, sometimes it is unbearable. Utterly, painfully, beautifully unbearable, but always, always, always, worth experiencing.

11 comments:

rdl said...

one of my favorite titles. i am wondering if you are a pisces? you sound so emotional. I will be back to read more. wondering what you are studying in college, what you're going to be.

intentionally left blank said...

i find myself almost completely desensitized to the suffering of others, at least when it's being broadcast on television. i think even to make a distinction between the news and other fictional programs is admirable for members of our generation. you go well beyond that

Cinnamon Spider! said...

I don't watch the news. I guess I'm quite ignorant. I'd rather watch my TV shows Friends and such and if I'm not watching them then I'm online or something. Maybe I should though, I think my mother does so she lets me know major important stuff that has happened. But still I guess I'd get a wider knowledge if I did watch it.
You are very sweet and sensitive. It's cute that you feel for everyone's pain in the world. Most people shut themselves away from it and because it's not happening to them, it doesn't concern them. I am guilty of doing that :-/
Despite my coldness for some things, I too do have a big heart and can certainly relate to what you said about not being able to let things roll off your back or stand as they are.
I know exactly what you mean about feeding off other people's emotions. I try to pretend things like poverty aren't happening but when I read about domestic violence I cry despite not knowing these people. I also notice beauty and when I see such magnificent sights in the world or hear songs with such powerful beautiful lyrics, that makes me cry as well. It's like there is so much emotion building within you that you don't know how to let it out.
People have damaged me though and I don't tend to see so much love anymore. However, I've noticed our sensitivity is similar and perhaps that is because we are both Pisces. We seem to have the same characteristics that a typical Pisces is supposed to have.
But yeah I really like your blog and can relate to it well.

snowsparkle said...

"That’s why I can see the world as an invitation for love." everything about this piece is beautiful, but especially that line. me thinks you are a young boddhisattva... a gift to the world. i'm glad i've come to know you through your blog. peace-- snowsparkle

gkgirl said...

this is what makes you such
a beautiful, inspiring,
keeper-of-a-friend type of person.

and i'm not usually sappy,
but that was called for
:)

MB said...

Frankie, I don't think it is because you are not beautiful, for you are. Some of us have the sensitivity to feel and perceive intensely. The good part of that is when we perceive beauty and love and potential... the hard part is when we're lightning rods for all that's negative. There is much in this that I can relate to (despite being much older than you). But I am in admiration of your courage. This is a lovely piece you've posted.

Anonymous said...

Your sensitivity is a precious gift. You don't have to do or change a thing about it (or yourself). Just be. Be, beauty, be...

Unknown said...

I thought I was the only one who felt like that!

Well, sometimes I feel that way about venison and potatos too.

I guess I'm really easy to please. :-)

Cal

liz elayne lamoreux said...

What is beauty? The surface of something? The feeling you have when you see the colors of a sunset? The woman on the cover of a magazine? Ahh...beauty. We wrap ourselves up in the surface meaning of this word and cause ourselves so much pain. To see the beauty outside of you is to see your own reflection.
And I am 29 and cry at the news. This time last year, I had a conversation with my grandmother about this very thing. She was 82 and still cried at the news. I think this is part of being an adult...one with feelings, emotions, and a heart of beauty.

Unknown said...

The news is hard for me at times too, I get so consumed by the bad news and i worry about the future.
Also, being a mother makes me worry about what kind of world my child is growing in.
But I try to consume myself with the good, it's a strange world!
I like your sensitivity, it's sweet and it's another lovely thing that makes you who you are.

hollibobolli said...

I feel the same way alot of the time.. overcome by empathy and the weight of the world's pain. But that is what makes for a beautiful heart - and just from this post.. I'm going to disagree with one point you made - you are a beautiful person. The world could use a lot more of that.