Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun...But They're Pretty Damn Exciting

Over Sushi last night for my brother’s eighteenth birthday, my entire life changed. Or rather, potentially the direction of my future changed. I want so desperately to write all about it, but nothing’s definite yet and until it is, I’m supposed to keep it a secret. My father’s not allowed to find out just yet, and that means keeping it a secret from everyone I know. It’s not as though any of my friends would ever talk to my dad about it, but my mother’s right in that there’s always connections on the gossip chain that never even occur to us. I just wish everything didn’t feel like a conspiracy against one parent or another. Harry’s already unveiled the secret to two of the boys occasionally living here. It seems unfair that outsiders should know our family business before everyone in the family does. Hopefully these sort of dynamics will change with this next stage in my life.

I want so desperately to share my excitement, but should wait until at least something evolves, no matter how small of an alteration it is. Meanwhile, amidst the pouring rain, I’m cleaning out my stuff, deciding what I want versus what I don’t. I’ve always been the kind of person who clings to every little scrap, but I’ve been surprisingly good about giving things up this time around. I think I’m finally ready to move on from the person I used to be. I’m finally ready to be a grown up, or at least, appear to be a grown up.

I’ve filled three large boxes with goofy hats, Spongebob items, toys and games that used to decorate my car. It’s difficult trying to detach these objects from the emotional draw they invoke within me, but it’s time to let them go. It’s time to move on. I’ll still have the memories of them without actually having them. They are, after all, only objects, only toys and games and ridiculous cartoon paraphernalia. They aren’t nearly as important as I’d like to believe. I’m kind of amazed I’ve been clinging onto them for so long. No wonder my room’s always a mess.

It feels good to see it all boxed away, as if I’ve somehow relinquished my soul of the heavy past. It feels good to clear out my life. I’d like to become more of a minimalist. Being tied to material objects is so tiring, so victimizing. I shouldn’t let my possessions control me the way that they have been. I need to take control of my life. I need my room, my mind, my life to be cleared of all of this clutter. I need a clean slate.

Which is exactly what will happen if this whole secret arrangement goes through. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I wish I could say more right now. At this point, it probably seems more exciting as a secret than as an actual plan, but nevertheless, I’m anticipating it’s success. I’m already beginning to act as though it’s definite, despite my knowledge that I shouldn’t jinx anything by getting excited too early on. I always manage to disappoint myself that way. I hate this constant uncertainty about where my life is going. Although, if it wasn’t for the ambiguity of it all, I’d never have amazing surprise opportunities like this. I’m just so excited....knock on wood.