I Wish That...

I wish that I didn't know. I wish that I hadn't been told. It would be so much easier not to have this little secret buried inside me, one that I can neither talk about nor go about fixing. The only way I know how to deal with things is through sharing, confronting the problem head on until my soul feels clear, but I can't do that this time around. How do you confront something that you're not allowed to admit you know?

It has nothing to do with me, and yet, I can't help but feel completely devastated. I can't help but think about it all the time. I am so angry and hurt and utterly disappointed. I don't know how to make it right. I don't know how to ignore it. Instead, I'm stuck with this unwanted information weighing heavily upon my heart. I hate feeling so out of control this way.

So for now, I have no choice but to obscure you within these lines. I'm confining you to this, releasing you into a prison of my outrage. I can't keep you inside to fester and grow into my own demise, but I can't break the promise I made to withhold you from the world. This is where you will be kept. This is where you shall remain. The final period of these thoughts shall be the key that locks you here, away from the vulnerability of my emotions, away from the disgust I feel for you. It isn't fair that I should suffer for a secret that doesn't involve me.

It isn't fair that I truly believe that you, the object of said secret, are not suffering at all. I don't know how you can walk around like nothing happened, play it off as though you've done nothing wrong. I don't know how you can feel no remorse. I don't know how you can be so inhuman.

All of my faith in you has been lost and I can't imagine it will ever return. I have never in my life been more disappointed in a friend, never in my life been so angry, and I can't even tell you. I can't ever make peace with it or with you, but I'll have to pretend now, won't I? I'll have to pretend that everything's fine just like you, or else admit that I know and lose the trust of the person who told me. I couldn't have someone lose faith in me the way I lost faith in you. Instead, I have to act like you, and I hate you for putting me in this position. I hate that I'll have to plaster a smile on my face and make small talk with you. I hate that I'll have to let you touch me. I hate that I'll have to see you again.

I don't know how to conceal my emotions. I don't know how to get away with pretending everything's fine between us. It will never be fine again. You've ruined everything you selfish, son of a bitch. Why can you not understand that? Why can you not understand that this goes so much further than just you? You've hurt people, and the number will be much higher if your secret ever gets out. I don't have the strength to look at the ignorant faces of those you claim to love and think that if they only knew the truth....

I wish that I didn't know the truth. I wish that it hadn't happened at all. I wish there wasn't this ugly truth to know. I wish that I could naievely smile and laugh and believe that we were friends. I wish that I could still respect you. I wish that I had just trusted myself to begin with. I wish you hadn't fucked everything up. I wish that everything could just be like it was before I knew.

I know your dirty little secret and I hate you for it. Period.