Halloween Hauntings

My hands tremble in the cold. The night is so silent and still that my every inkling of a thought is intensified in my head, echoing for what seems like an eternity through the vastness of my mind. I replay the events of the day over and over until they become distant memories of a stranger. They become the shadows of dreams I can’t remember to forget, ghosts of stories I wrote as a child. I am haunted on this Halloween night.

I am so happy for the way things turned out today, but still feel removed from the climax of the anticipation. Our little chat went well, better than I had expected, but differently than I had imagined. Somehow practicing the words in my head made me smile when I said them, much more than I had intended to. I always smile when delivering bad news. Isn’t that strange? I suppose happiness is the one emotion I’m willing to let people see, while everything else I reserve for behind closed doors or the scribbles in a blog. Sad how even after all this time, I still don’t know how to let you in.

An old friend reminded me this morning that I have to believe in myself. Funny how profound that statement becomes when you hear it from someone else. I knew right away, of course, that he was right. I’ve told myself that very thing a thousand times before. I’ve told myself that far beyond my self doubt and shyness and need to please people, my biggest flaw has always been a lack of faith in who I am. Which is somewhat ironic, as one of the few things I do value about myself is my ability to have faith in other people. For some reason, I can never be there for me the way I can for everyone else. I always put me last.

This is not intended to sound selfless. It is of great detriment to me that I put too much faith in others and not nearly enough in myself. I am constantly let down. I am constantly hiding those skeletons in my closet, locking up the feelings of hurt and anguish that come from a lack of faith. They are the demons that haunt me here tonight.

The trouble with trying to believe in myself, is that when I do, the door begins to open. The ghosts of my past begin to escape, haunting me with the regrets of my past actions, avenging their abuse, my avoidance of them, by now consuming my thoughts. Today I was brave. Today I believed in my own convictions and I did what I trusted in my heart to be right. Today I had the courage to have faith, and everything turned out perfectly. Everything worked out just as it should, and I felt utter bliss all afternoon knowing that I had done what needed to be done.

It wasn’t until now, in the silence of the night, that I began to recall every instance when I didn’t do what needed to be done, when I didn’t trust myself enough to stand up for what was right. There are so many lost moments when I chose not to speak, chose to ignore my mind and heart and morals. There are so many lost moments. I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but perhaps I need to clean out the skeletons from my closet before I can move on. Perhaps I have to face those inner demons to make room for more faith. Perhaps I need to be brave and accept these lost moments as important lessons for the future. I won’t allow myself to be haunted anymore. I won’t allow myself to repeat my mistakes.