Let’s blame it on the heat. It’s just been so insanely hot recently, and I’m convinced it’s melting my brain. There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when all I could think about was blogging, and now, for whatever reason, I have to force myself to sit down and type. It’s a really awful feeling. I miss the longing I once had to update daily. I hope it returns to me soon.
A monk once asked me “Do you control your mind or does your mind control you?” That’s how I’ve been feeling about writing here lately. Have I really lost the desire or have I only convinced myself I have? I’m fairly good at convincing myself out of things I’d really love to be doing.
Like writing. I make so many excuses about the future, but of course, as so many of you kindly suggested, I want to be a writer. I just don’t know how to begin, and more than that, I don’t believe in myself enough to begin. One of my greatest fears in life is being too afraid to go after things I really want.
One of the most wonderful things my mother ever told me was “Don’t ever convince yourself that you don’t deserve the things you want.” My mother is a very wise woman. Why do we do that to ourselves? I know I’m not the only one. There are so many of us that are somehow incapable of believing in our talents, our goodness, our dreams. I wonder why that happens.
Especially because it’s usually those same people, including me, who are so quick to believe in others. I have complete and utter faith in every person that I love, in their talents, in their goodness, in their dreams. It is my life’s endless plight to love myself the way I love them. I often fear that it’s a hopeless endeavor.
I’ve gotten such lovely emails these past few days from friends commenting on my (poorly updated) blog, and each time I think “wow, what amazing friends I have,” and never, “wow, my writing means something to them.” It worries me that such a thought never crosses my mind.
It worries me that I’m 21 years old and still haven’t learned how to take a compliment. Still, self-doubt and guilt plague me. Still, I look to others to validate who I am and what I do. I am needy and ashamed of that, no matter how often I try to convince myself I shouldn’t be. That line between independence and loneliness blurs. I need people, and I need their love, and I wonder why that’s so difficult for me to admit.
Am I controlling my emotions or am I allowing my emotions to control me?
I know that there are simple answers to these questions, simple solutions to these problems, but like most things in life, I have to be willing to hear them. I have to be willing to stand up and say –- no, shout — this is my life and I am in control of it. I just still have trouble finding the courage to understand I am worthy of such a statement. I just still have trouble taking charge of my dreams. I just still have trouble believing in me. Let’s blame it on the heat.
7 comments:
There have been times in my life where intellectually, I have wanted to be writing, but emotionally and physically, I just haven't had the energy. Life got better for me when I just said to hell with it and let myself NOT WRITE. If you are truly a writer, you will return to it. AND, sometimes an artist simply MUST STOP and re-fill the well. Even if you are not writing, you will be gathering up ideas and experiences for when you return to it.
Once a writer, always a writer, I say. If you don't want to write right now, don't do it.
Wanting to write and wanting to be a writer are two very different things!
ahhhhhhh...
i'm 35..i think...
and it still is painfully hard
for me to accept a compliment
without downplaying it immediately.
what is up with that?
isn't it funny/odd/irritating
how easy it is to give praise
but hard to beleive praise
when it is aimed at you.
Begin by removing the endpoint expectations. Begin simply by beginning. Begin by writing, every day if you can possibly bring yourself to do it. Even one paragraph. Even one sentence. Begin by realizing that much of it will be crud. You have to take a lot of scum off the bucket to get to the good stuff underneath... or something like that! Begin by realizing that the happiest life is the one in which you are fully yourself, whatever self you really are inside. You are a writer in some form. I'm convinced, and I hardly know you. So write. Have faith that what you are supposed to do with it will unfold in due time. Just write. It takes discipline sometimes, sometimes you don't feel like it. It's good to get to know those places, too. So face them, and learn to write anyway. Sometimes the writing turns out cruddy. Get to know that, too, and learn how to move past it. Sometimes people aren't interested in what you write. Get to know that, and learn that in the end you really are doing it, and NEED to be doing it for yourself. For you healthy, blooming self. Write. Don't worry. Just write.
Frankie, love, you're beautiful. You deserve to find your joy, express your self and live your life how you choose to live it.
What makes you feel safe?
When do you feel empowered?
What if you didn't have to know the destination, you could just start the journey?
Open your big, generous, gorgeous heart, Frankie. It's all out there waiting for you.
Frankie! I've been struggling with these feelings too lately... well forever! Your heart leaps off these pages, your sincerity, kindness and love for people. I think it can be hard for giving people to accept what is freely given them..somehow going against their nature that nutures...ones that deserve to find its way back into their own lives. But for some reason may end up in an internal power struggle. I battle with the same validation issues and insecurities and needs for love. Don't ever worry about your age and let that dictate who you should be or what you should be accomplishing. Every day is a gift to start again and again. Keep writing, and don't feel badly if it doesn't meet your time table...it will come! And to tell you the truth, I'm stoked (is that just a west coast term??)just to get a post in a week,
anything else is bonus for me! Love you girl! Looking forward to your next post....whenever....no pressure :) We'll be here when you get back.
Hey sweet girl! Sorry I've been such a stranger! Life has been crazy. Anyway, I just stopped by and wanted to say that it's been hard for me to accept compliments my whole life until one of my dear friends "chewed" me out about it. It went something like this:
Her: "You look really pretty today."
Me: "Whatever."
Her: "Grrr! I'm so sick of you saying stuff like that! When I give you a compliment I really mean it and when you say something like 'whatever', you're basically telling me I'm stupid for thinking that. Do you think I'm stupid??"
Me: "Um...no...sorry...and thank you."
Anyway, it's still hard sometimes, but I've learned to be thankful for the compliments, because most people wouldn't say it if they didn't really mean it.
I think you are beautiful and worthy! I miss chatting with you!
i don't know that we ever figure it all out. but i do know that you have so my knowledge in your soul my dear. i wish for you that you would sit with yourself and let your heart open and that you would listen. i say this knowing it is easier to share that idea with someone than do it. heck, i don't know what i want to be when i grow up.
and with writing. something new has happened for me and it is partly because someone shared a quote with me: writers write.
hee, hee. isn't that the truth. i will have to find out who said that and share the whole quote with you. just write. and write some more. and don't worry about sharing it all. just do it. that is the only way the words will find themselves onto the page.
hugs and love to you dear,
liz
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