Turning

I awoke this morning determined to turn things around. No matter how foolish my optimism can seem at times, I am still a firm believer in the power of positive thinking. I still believe that sometimes happiness is something we have to create for ourselves, that allowing ourselves to be conscious of what we want, of the choices we make in the pursuit of our goal, of our worthiness of that goal and the pursuit itself, makes all the difference. I still have faith that we are capable of creating the lives we want to be living.

And even though the day seemed no different than any that had passed recently, I resolved to make it special, to make it the first day of the something new I've been in search of. Instead of my usual lying around, gossiping, petty magazine reading during nap time, I took out my book and began to read. I annotated passages that I loved. I circled words and phrases that I loved. I allowed myself to feel inspired.

After work I went to the gym, which I shamefully haven't done in well over a month. I am shocked each time I return after being away by how good it feels. I am shocked each time by how easily I forget such a feeling. I am shocked each time to think that my body has not been crying out in agony for movement during this lapse in attendance, and I am even more greatly shocked to discover that it has been, that I've simply been choosing not to listen. How could I so easily neglect this body I use to journey through my existence?

It was raining lightly as I left the gym. People hurried down the sidewalk under their umbrellas and oversized hoods. I thought about that line I'd written a few posts back, about how I sometimes feel best about my life when other people are at their worst. I thought about my hate of umbrellas and my love of rain. I thought about how refreshing and cool and wonderful those spritzes of water felt upon my hot sweaty skin. I tilted my head up to the grey sky, closed my eyes, and smiled. What a beautiful day, I thought to myself.

As I turned the corner towards my apartment, I came upon a row of blossoming trees. I hadn't noticed them this morning as I passed in the dark. For a moment, they felt like the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I felt the softness of each petal, the fragility of each droplet of rain, clinging so divinely delicate to the gentle branches. I felt the etherealness of these small wonders within the very depths of me, blooming within my spirit, rising within my heart. I floated home on their perfection.

And perhaps I am still there, floating, twisting and turning in possibility, dreaming of things that have yet to happen, but I suppose that is just me. I suppose I am just an overly optimistic believer, and probably always have been, and hopefully always will be. I suppose I am just a woman, a person, a human being, trying her best to live the life she wants to be living. I wish for all of you to know such happiness.

And just like that, I've turned it all around.