Something New

I'm sorry that I haven't been around much lately.

I haven't been sleeping much either, or eating well, or really taking care of myself at all. I have felt -- I don't know -- uninspired, I suppose. This month seems to be dragging on infinitely, as does the cold, as does the mundane nature of my daily routine. I'm just ready for something new. I'm ready for spring to fully arrive. I'm ready for a fresh beginning, a rebirth, a rejuvenation of the spirit. I'm ready. I'm waiting.

I love transitions. I love life changing moments and experiences. I love jumping whole-heartedly into a decision and I love the way I never feel more alive than when I am taking that leap of faith. I love the idea of a leap of faith. I love the idea that it is never too late to begin again. I love knowing that nothing in life is concrete, that no matter how stuck we may feel at times, there is always a means of escape that we had yet to consider. I love that nothing in this world is stagnant, that we are all moving forward in every instant, that the future is arriving even now as I write this. I love the way it burns with potential.

"Can we plant sunflowers in the yard?" She asked me. It was really more of a statement than a question as of course the only possible answer was an enthusiastic yes. It was like asking if this world was something to be cherished. It was like asking if life was something to be adored. It was like asking if we were destined to be friends forever. Surely our common love of sunflowers is proof enough.

We have been searching for a house to buy, to own, to make our own. We have picked out color schemes, plotted out our garden, planned parties. We have been brimming over with ideas for a place that has yet to exist (although we have some prospects). Over the next month we hope to be homeowners. It is a big step. It is one of the most grown up decisions I have ever jumped into.

People keep telling me what a good investment I'm making, how they wish they had bought young, how they wish they would have been so wise and brave. Their words somehow make me doubt things. Perhaps I am too young to settle into a life. Perhaps I am giving up on those alternative lives I could be living, on the potential of spontaneity, on the possibility of going anywhere and doing anything. Perhaps this so called bravery is actually foolishness. Perhaps it is silly to buy a house at the age of twenty-three. Perhaps it is more like playing a grown up than actually being one.

I always thought of homeowners as being adults, with spouses and children and careers. That is not who I am. I don't even truly know who I am, not yet anyway, not the way most adults I know have learned to define themselves. I have yet to define myself. Which is okay. Really it is. Most days, labeling myself as happy is enough of a definition for me.

But every so often I go out for a walk in the soft light of early evening, through my little suburban neighborhood, and see through kitchen windows perfect families eating perfect dinners in their perfect homes. And of course, there is no such thing as perfect, and no way of knowing that any of these families are even close to such an idea, but in my mind they are. In my mind they are what I wished I had growing up, what I wish I will someday have, what I fear I may never become. In my heart I feel a great sorrow and longing for the happiness I may never know. Every so often I think that being a teacher and buying a home and trying my best to hold onto people are simply means of trying to fill that void, that fear of being alone. Sometimes I think that I will spend my life playing this game of pretend.

And other times not. Buying this home is not just about settling. It is not just about playing the role of homeowner. It is about my need to create. It is about needing to create a place that feels like home. It is about painting walls and life with color. It is about planting sunflowers in the soil of my soul. It is about furnishing the void with happiness and light. It is about a good investment financially, but it is also about a good investment personally, mentally, emotionally. It is about a fresh start, a rejuvenation of the spirit, rebirth, something new. It is about feeling inspired again. I'm ready. I'm waiting.