Anticipatory Angst

I apologize for my truly awful lack of updates. The trouble with returning to my journal is that it begins to take over my life. I’m already a quarter of the way through it, and it’s only been three days. I’m a little worried about having to carry hundreds of journals back from India if I keep going at this rate. Blogging and emailing should be good distractions from it.

I still can’t believe that I’m leaving on Thursday. People keep asking me how I’m feeling, and yes, I am extremely excited and perhaps even a little nervous, but neither of those words seem to fully embody the emotional state I’m in right now. It’s something more. It’s what one of my favorite people calls “anticipatory angst.” It’s knowing that my life will never be the same as it is in this moment. It’s the thrilling prospect of adventure, and the rewarding experience of making peace with my life as it is now. This is it. I’ll never be exactly this same way.

I’m so excited for what I will be, for the kind of person I can already feel myself becoming. I am growing. I am beginning to step into the role of the life long learner I’ve kept tucked away in my head and heart for so long. I am stepping into the world as a writer, an explorer, a lover of life. I am stepping into the world ready to receive whatever it has to offer me. I am opening myself up to possibility.

Thursday afternoon, my best friend’s mom called me to wish me luck on my trip and to far too kindly compliment me on my blog. It was so absolutely lovely of her. It really does mean so very, very, very much to me that people even take the time to read this, let alone talk to me about it. It’s really quite amazing how many conversations this blog has initiated for me, how many relationships it’s strengthened. It’s become a really important part of my life.

It allowed me to spend my time at dinner on Thursday night with my brother and sister-in-law discussing things I’d been really longing to discuss. We talked about Tommy in China and how I felt about his decision to potentially move there. We talked about our families and the dynamics of the relationships within them. We talked about traveling. We talked about politics. We talked about my relationship with my father.

It meant everything to me. Most especially getting to talk about my dad with the one person I felt could really ever understand it fully, my dear, dear brother. I’m sorry that we’ve both had to go through this, he probably much worse than me, but I am grateful that I have someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone who understands. I am grateful that I feel closer to him because of it, and maybe even more like him because of it. I’m grateful to feel that I’m like someone that I admire as much as I do.

Later that night, I made my way up to Villanova to see someone else I greatly admire. I spent the night talking and laughing with him and his friends. It was wonderful, really wonderful. I was so immensely joyful to have that opportunity to say goodbye to him. I was so immensely joyful just to be out doing something different, meeting new people, having my faith in my happiness be renewed and reinforced. It made me so much more excited for my trip.

I’m so excited to meet new people and share new laughter. I’m so excited to experience new things, to expand my knowledge, to revel in the new depths of my soul. I’m so excited to grow into me, into the truest version of myself that I’ve ever been before. The future is waiting and I am stepping into it ready to be amazed.