So Let Go, Jump In, Oh Well What You Waiting For

I used to be very good at small talk. Maybe not. Maybe I just remember it that way. In any case, I'm not good at it now. I'm not good at making frivolous conversation with people, but it's a skill that I long to have. I watch other people do it so effortlessly, relaying anecdotes about their lives to casual acquaintances, discussing theories and insights about current events, sharing personal accounts of emotional moments. I just can’t allow myself to be that open.

It would be so much easier to define my trouble if I was a closed off person, but that isn’t it. I’m perfectly happy to write about anything, to have people know how I’m feeling, to sit up late sharing everything with friends. I live for those moments of openness and honesty. I think it just takes me a while to get there.

I suppose, what it really comes down to, is self-confidence, or rather, a lack thereof. Why is this always such a problem for me? I worry about boring people, or saying the wrong thing, or creating those infamous awkward moments that you instantly wish you could take back. I suppose no matter how much I may preach about individuality and living in the moment, I spend most of my time living in fear. I am constantly judging my every move and worrying that other people are doing the same. I am my biggest enemy.

There are people in my life who don’t have that social grace conscious. They don’t know when to stop talking or change the subject or when their welcome has worn out. They don’t know how to read people. Generally, their ignorance to these cues annoys me greatly, but every once and a while, I wish I could be more like that. I wish I could be more unaware of other people’s thoughts and opinions. Maybe that’s a selfish thing to say, but then again, sometimes I wish I could be more selfish. Sometimes I wish I didn’t worry about anyone but me.

I hate being over analytical because everything becomes so much more than it needs to be. I become so critical. Why do I care so much what people think? Why can’t I ever just let go? I’ve spent my life being responsible and following the rules, and yes, I’ve had fun, but I worry that I’ll never get that chance to just be wild and rebellious and young. I worry that I’m missing out on a kind of fun in my life that you can only have when you are completely free of your inhibitions. I think to be happy, I need to make a list of all the pros and cons of my decisions, crumple it up, and follow my heart.

I like being responsible and reliable, but I think spontaneity and selfishness are often too quickly overlooked. I think it’s important to remember that the most important person I ever need to impress is myself. I think at some point, I just need to let go. I just need to be me.