Rebel Without A Clue

So yet another promise broken I suppose. I don't know why I've been so awful about writing. I wish I could blame it on the blog, but I'm afraid the problem doesn't limit itself to this. My poor journal's been sitting on my shelf for far too long. It used to collect stories and thoughts and emotions, now all it seems to be collecting is dust. I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything enough to put it into words, and that scares me. A lot of things scare me.

I think the truth is, I've been kind of scared to write. Putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper only makes them that much more real, and right now, reality is not my friend. I hate reality. I hate the literal and the definite and the logical. I hate that I'm logical. I revel in the quotes and stories and movies and lyrics about dreamers, about those people who can run away from reality into a world all their own. I want to run with them. I want a wild heart that won't settle for the ordinary. I want a mind that will ignore everything but my heart.

But that's not what I have, and as time goes on I realize more and more that it's probably not something that I'll ever have. I want to believe what they all say. I want to believe that you are in control of your own life, that you are fully capable of changing your path when you're not happy. I want to believe that you are capable of changing yourself into whomever it is you wish to become. I just don't know if I do believe that.

We make choices every second that change our lives forever. I believe that. It is possible to change your life in some way when you want to change it. I believe that. You should always, ALWAYS listen to your heart. I believe that too, but the ability to truly change yourself? I'm skeptical. Yes, you can change your appearance and perhaps even your attitude, but your head and your heart are still in the same place. Aren't they? I guess even that is flawed. I don't really believe that either.

I'm not really sure what I believe, or is any of this even makes sense. I'm just thinking about who I am and my place in the world, and well, I guess what it comes down to is that none of it makes me happy, none of it brings me any satisfaction. That's partially why I quit my job today, and partially why I've been somewhat anti-social all summer. My life just needs to be put under construction for a little while until I figure out what the hell it is I want to do, and more importantly, who the hell it is I want to be.

At the moment, nothing is more appealing than just taking off and traveling around the country for the next few months. I would love to just drive and write and explore new places. I would love to be out on my own, learning all that I can about different ways of life. I would love to just be out there living, but my practical head keeps me from following my wild heart. My head keeps me here knowing I don't really have the money or education or time or (what it really is) guts to travel out into the unknown by myself. I'm not a rebel. I can't abandon school. I can't ignore the expectations people hold for me. I can't be the me I really want to be. Fuck it, I can't even figure out who that is. I only know it's not who I am now.

I'm not a rebel, but sometimes, I would give anything to know that I could be.