Limbo Fatigue

I've been so tired lately. It's beyond tired. It's that borderline edge of depression I sometimes fall into, the kind that's not real depression or sadness, but rather just the desire to sleep for a while. I think it's the heat. This weather makes it so unappealing to ever step foot outside of my air conditioned room to do anything more than go to my air conditioned office. It's not even sunny outside. It's not that fun kind of summer-is-here-let's-go-out-and-play heat. It's the unbearable humid let's-all-act-like-cats-and-sit-around-doing-nothing kind of heat. It's the worst.

I think more than the horrible weather, I find myself yet again in life's limbo. It's not that I make necessarily impulsive decisions. It's just that when I'm sure of something, I tend to act on it impulsively. The day I decided to leave Kalamazoo, I decided for good. I told everyone, started making arrangements to leave, arrangements for my new life back home. I removed myself completely from the world I was still living in before getting to move into the next, new world. I sat waiting in some airy limbo between worlds, between lives.

I don't know what the extra incentive was on Monday, but for whatever reason, I decided it was time to tell Ed I was quitting. I hadn't even given it that much thought. I mean, I knew I wanted to leave, and I knew the job wasn't what I wanted or needed, but even so I find myself wondering why I did quit, why now. I hadn't told anyone I was going to do it, not even my mother whom I tell everything. I just woke up Monday morning and thought, 'I'm going to quit today,' went to my computer and emailed Ed that we needed to talk. Sometimes I feel bipolar. I've only told one other person in the office because I never know how to bring these things up. How do you tell people you want to leave them? I've never been good at saying goodbye.

After I told him I wanted to go, a huge weight lifted from me, and I experienced a kind of satisfying tranquility I haven't felt for a very long time. I felt relieved to know I could finally leave. At the end of the summer I'll have ten times the amount of free time I have now. I'll get to do whatever I please, perhaps even attempt to do well in school, something I've been ignoring completely. I'll have time to go the gym and get my diet on track, and read and write and maybe even do a play, all of the things that make my life happy, all of the things I've been lacking in my life.

Still, for the next six weeks I am employed at Higgins and Associates and expected to do my job. I don't mind doing it, but my heart isn't it. I've already moved on. It's already 10am and I haven't even left for work. I'll most likely be putting in less hours from now on. I'm sure the time left will drag on as I count down the days until the next stage of my life. I wish stages in life could begin and end like chapters. When I reach the end of one, the next begins, and when it ends, another begins, and so on and so forth. But life doesn't work that way, and so I exist once again in some airy limbo between pages, waiting to begin again, dreaming of what my next chapter will hold.