I Don't Know Where I'm Going...But That's The Beauty Of It

I stole my title line off of a postcard on the Postsecret blog. If that's not a secret that every single person shares, then I don't know what is. Even if you're one of those people who has had their life planned out since the second grade, I guarantee that you still have no idea where you're going. You may think that you do. You may be completely certain of your direction and destination, mapping your route with the most efficient way to get from point A to point B, but I can tell you now that in an instant, your entire path can change. The scenic views you thought you’d come across look completely different than you expected. The climate is the polar opposite of whatever it is you packed for. The horizon somehow seems both closer and further than you wanted it to be. You stand in the middle of nowhere, utterly lost and utterly unprepared.

But that’s the beauty of it. That’s what makes life the grand adventure that it is. I think I spend far too much of my time worrying that I’m the only one who hasn’t got it all figured out. I worry that while everyone around me moves forward, I’m lost in the darkness, wandering around in the same few circles over and over again. I worry that I’ll never find my way out, but maybe I’m concentrating too hard on trying to escape. It shouldn’t be an escape. The truth is, being lost is somehow freeing when there isn’t a set destination to be reached. Maybe you can only get to my destination by going in circles, by wandering around lost for a while. If that’s the case, well then, I’m right on track.

The reality of it is, my life was a straight path and I hated it. I longed for curves and dead ends. I longed for things to be complicated. I longed for adversity to grow. Doesn’t everyone? How easy to float through life on a road that never bends and breaks. How easy to tune out and stop your mind from moving. How easy to settle into a state of apathy. I don’t want that for myself. I can’t imagine why anyone would. I would rather feel pain and anguish and sorrow than feel nothing. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve never really experienced unbearable misery. I suppose that’s why people turn to drugs and alcohol and suicide. It’s easier for them to be numb.

Maybe I’m still innocently naive, but I can’t imagine a pain so great that it’s worth sacrificing every emotion to rid myself of it. I would rather be hurt a thousand times over than never again get to experience the overwhelming joy of a loved one’s embrace, or the feeling of sublime perfection that comes with the beginning of each new day, or the inexplicable happiness of knowing I’m alive. I could never give up laughter and joy and love. Are they not the essence of our existence? Would I even really be alive without them? Well, the same goes for pain and anguish and sorrow. Without them, life is stagnant and meaningless. Without the bad there is no good. Without pain there is no joy.

So I will wander down my path, feeling the pain and confusion of being lost, knowing that joy is somewhere just beyond the horizon, which now seems both closer and further than I had wanted it to be. I will stand in the middle of nowhere, utterly lost and utterly unprepared. I won’t know where I’m going, but that will be the beauty of it.

I take a step forward and find myself somewhere completely unexpected, somewhere even more beautiful than the place from which I came, somewhere that can only be outdone by my next step forward, and I smile, as I move into the future one unpredictable, beautiful step at a time.