Signs of Spring

It was raining this morning. I bundled myself up under layers of clothing, assuming the bitterness of the winter wind was as cold and unforgiving as it had been for the past few weeks. Instead I opened my front door and discovered the smell of spring. It is a distinct smell; the scent of cool rain mixing upon the warm concrete, the scent of grass, the scent of warm nights in my youth spent dancing beneath the stars. It greeted me this morning with an endless supply of cheer and hope. It welcomed me into the day. It sparked within me something which had long been dwindling in the frigid dampness of winter. It ignited. It burned with possibility.

Last night I had a dream that I was packing the perfect collection of gifts to send to you. I cannot remember what the gifts were, not even why I had decided to send them to you, but as I brushed my teeth, I remembered how much joy I felt filling that box. I remembered the excitement of knowing you would receive them, and smile, and know how much I love you. I remembered what it felt like to consider how much I love you.

We've grown apart. I didn't think such a thing was possible, not when it came to us, not when it came to our friendship. But we are young. We are learning how to live, how to define our lives. Sometimes that means that our paths will not overlap in quite the same way, that our journeys will lead us in different directions. Sometimes that means that we will not be in the same place, emotionally, mentally, physically, metaphorically. Sometimes the distance between us is excruciatingly palpable.

And sometimes not. There are days, weeks, sometimes even months, when I don't think of you. Not even once. Perhaps that is a terrible thing to admit, but it also, in some strange way, speaks volumes about who I've become. I do not feel like a reflection of you the way I once was. I do not feel dependent on you to define me, to validate me, to be my purpose for waking each morning. I want you around as much as I ever have, but I don't need you around to survive. I don't need you to set the tone for my life.

I am learning to do that on my own. I am learning how to take action, how to identify what I want out of this life, how to open my front door and invite spring inside. I am learning to find the assurance I sought from you within my own heart. I am learning what it means to listen to my spirit. I am learning what it means to be brave. I am learning what it means to be exactly who I am. I am learning to love my life, like you.

You will always inspire me. You will always be the one who DID inspire me, to take those risks, to dive into each day with all of the passion and love and good intentions a person can summon. You will always be my fellow seeker, of the world, of it's beautiful offerings, of souls, of this adventure we call life. You will always be my friend. You will always be with me.

Because this morning when I opened my front door and could taste spring upon the tip of my tongue, feel it soaking into every inch of my skin, sense it wrapping itself around my heart, I thought of you. I thought of the warm nights spent by your side. I thought of the conversations we had beneath vast darkened skies. I thought of your laugh, your voice, your delicate words of wisdom. I thought of how I curled into them the same way I curl into the comfort of signs of spring. I thought of how both set me ablaze with promises of hope, rebirth, an awakening of the spirit. I thought about how I filled a box within my soul with these gifts you once gave me, and the way they make me smile, and the way they remind me how much I love you.

I thought of how I opened the front door expecting to find winter, and my old life, and my old self, and instead found spring -- and you.