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"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Light Of Some Kind



I walked up the stairs and plopped down on the green wooden bench. Through the archway I watched the blustering winds blow the small, harsh snowflakes into a frenzy. They moved in every direction imaginable. They appeared irrepressible, lawless, wild. They flipped and spun and sang their freedom as though to do anything else would be a waste of time. They reminded me of such a truth. I sat and stared in silence as they danced within the chaotic whirlwinds like young lovers within the notes of jazz. It was beautiful. I smiled.

I took out my journal and reached for my pen. My fingers were stinging in the cold. The ink began to freeze underneath the cheap translucent plastic. I knew I had to hurry. I wrote, "It is snowing. I am so incredibly happy, for no real reason at all. It is just that I am here and alive and grateful." I closed the book and placed it back inside my oversized cherry bag. I sat there, quiet and peaceful in the eye of the storm, laughing softly to myself.

I am well aware that this next statement will sound lame, silly, and perhaps even a little bit dumb, but over the past few days I have suddenly found myself feeling very grown up. I have taken risks. I have dealt with situations with more courage and integrity than I ever knew I had within me. I have been taking care of myself. I have come to realize that taking care of myself doesn't mean that I am selfish, or that I should feel guilty, but only makes me more capable of taking care of others. The change has to begin with me. I have discovered that. I have been more calm and patient with my students, with myself, with those pieces of me that I am generally so quick to become frustrated with. I have sat down in silence and embraced those fragments of self loathing. I have not been afraid of imperfection. In fact, I have fallen in love with the idea.

In ways that are as simple as learning to take a hundred pictures and only get one that I like, to write a hundred pages and only be proud of a single word or phrase, to spend twenty three years on earth and only just now feel truly alive. I wake up in the morning, happy. I go to work and spend the first twenty minutes with my ipod on, dancing like a fool through the empty halls. I make plans for my evenings and stick to them. I go out to dinners and drink wine and have interesting, meaningful conversations. I reach out to old friends. I spend my free moments floating around the blog world. I support the arts. I sit on benches at train stations and write, and write, and write.

I have not turned on my television once all week. I have been eating when I'm hungry instead of just because. I have been listening to my body, what it needs, what it wants, what I can and should do for it. I have (as insignificant as it sounds) been wearing make-up to work, which is just another means of proving to myself that I deserve to feel pretty sometimes. I have felt pretty sometimes. I have answered every phone call, email and text. I have even initiated a few that were long overdue. I have not been hiding from people or events or my life. I have not allowed myself to feel awkward. I know who I am. I am one step closer to liking who I am. I am standing on the edge of acceptance.

My coworkers ask me what's going on. They tell me I am glowing. I smile and think, that is simply life brewing inside me. That is simply the radiating light of my pulsating heart as it rises and falls a million times a day. That is simply who I feel I was meant to be and who I feel myself becoming. I glow with life. I am alight with happiness. I am dancing within the chaotic whirlwinds like young lovers within the notes of jazz. And it is beautiful. And I smile.

7 comments:

Sky said...

:)

spring refreshes me in the way you describe. i am about to go into the gardens to see if there are new surprises for me in this fabulous, late February sunshine! Glorious day.

Lori said...

This is absolutely wonderful! I love, "I am dancing within the chaotic whirlwinds like young lovers within the notes of jazz", and "That is simply the radiating light of my pulsating heart as it rises and falls a million times a day." Gorgeous! I also love the idea of dancing in the halls before everyone gets to work. I could so see you doing this! FUN! Very liberating! I would love to dance in the halls before everyone came, but I am skidding in on two wheels right at the time we are supposed to be there. I live three minutes away from the school, but rush to get there at the last minute. I am never late, but right on time. Wonderful Frankie; keep living life to the fullest, glowing, taking time for yourself, dancing, and laughing - you deserve every second of it!

gkgirl said...

wheeeeee...

there is so much about this post
that i love, that resonates with me.

especially this morning
with the sun shining
and the full open day
unmarred before me....

sweet post...
and happy friday to you!

Bethany Bassett said...

It's cliche, but I'll say it anyway: You go, girl! You're glowing all the way through the webpage. :) I love your descriptions of the snowflakes dancing to jazz, and the makeup thing? I understand fully. Sometimes the little things we do to feel pretty make all the difference in our days.

Pauline said...

Revel in these feelings and remember them. Know that they too will pass. When they do, if you've kept their memory, you can reach back to this day and know ALL things pass and that it is not a cause for despair.

Anonymous said...

Good for you, sweetie. Enjoy every second of simply enjoying. It's really easy to lose that along the way. Hold it tight.

Pen said...

what a lovely post. i feel the your joy, your awareness. it's beautiful and long may it continue!x