Every Passing Minute Is Another Chance To Turn It All Around

It’s been a strange four weeks. I’ve had so much difficulty adjusting to home again, but am finally starting to feel more at ease. My life is beginning to fall back into place, or at the very least, I’m beginning to fall back into it. No, I think it’s more than that. I think I finally decided to take control of it, to step up and demand from the universe the kind of life I want for myself. I think I’m making the change I’ve been passively waiting for.

I rearranged my apartment and at long last put up the posters that have been sitting in the corner for months now. It’s starting to feel much more like the home I had envisioned for myself. It’s starting to feel much more like a reflection of me. My living room is filled with Buddha statues and prayer flags and drums and all of the quintessential hippie wealth I’ve collected over the years. It’s a nice place to be.

Maybe that’s all I’ve really been needing this past month, just a nice place to sit and think and write. Maybe all I’ve needed was a little inspiration.

And I’ve found it. Somewhere along the lines I found it. This weekend is going to include a nice trip to Trader Joe’s, the plant store, and hours upon hours of work in my garden. I think I need that. I need to feel my hands in the earth, fill my kitchen with organic foods, find that connection with the natural world I’ve been missing so desperately. My frustration hasn’t derived from being out of the environment I felt so comfortable in. It’s been my inability to see that I can create the same world here. I can be the same me here, if I choose to be. I can be the me I was so fearful of leaving behind in India. I’m still her. I’m still me.

And I’ll always be. There is no turning back. There’s only this, this moment right now, and the moment about to come, and all of the moments to follow. The future is waiting and I’m taking control of it, even if I have yet to determine any kind of destination. That somehow seems a less significant decision. All that I know for certain is that I can only take what has happened and create from it something new, something extraordinary.

That’s the plan for now, to make of each moment all that I can, to take hold of life and enjoy it as best I can, to laugh and love and live to the fullest. What else could possibly matter?

My best friend has FINALLY returned home from China after ten months. It was so wonderful to see him last night, and I think it awakened within me the motivation I’ve needed to be joyful again. I was worried I had lost that somewhere along the way.

But today, the universe seemed to once again vibrate with the kind of magic I so often feel. The purple flowers on the hillside beside my car never looked so lovely. Life stirred within me and around me. Everything is going to be okay, I thought. Everything is going to be just fine.

And it will be. Because I am me. Because I’ll always be me. Because this is my life and I refuse to let it pass without enjoyment. After all, that’s what these moments are for.