I can feel myself slipping. I’m headed back into those days of wasting all my time. I can’t really concentrate on anything productive, can’t really force myself to get out of my daily routine. There are so many things that I want to try, to accomplish, but I’m unmotivated to do anything. I can feel myself slipping back into that place that I was a year ago, back into those days of indifference.
I know that I have things to offer the world and I know that the world has things to offer me. Still, I find it difficult to just get up, turn off the computer and the tv and my cell phone and all the little distractions that make up my life. I find it difficult to embrace the many opportunities afforded to me. I find it difficult to live the life I’ve always imagined for myself. I can feel it slipping away.
I worry that I’m wasting my days. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with an overwhelming sense of loss. The truth is, I have lost something. I’ve lost my ambition, lost sight of the person I was hoping to be. Of course there’s always time to change that, always time to change the road you’re on, but finding the spark to make the change is endlessly challenging.
I think what I really need is a job. I miss working, probably more than I’d like to admit. I hate feeling like I’m not contributing to something bigger than myself, hate feeling like I’m not in control of my life. I hate, more than anything, not having the money to afford my freedom. When exams are over, my number one priority will be finding a new place to work, somewhere that I really believe in. In other words, no office job. The last thing I need is to sit inside staring at a computer screen all day.
I have to believe that I’ll find whatever it is that I’m looking for. I have to believe that I can change the direction of my life for the better. I have to believe that my ambition will return when I need it to. Until then, I’ll continue to slide down this slippery slope, clinging desperately to the flecks of hope that seem to diminish with each wasted day.
About Me
- Frankie
- "I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London
4 comments:
I agree...I too feel the same way. Always so productive in school or work...then one by one things start to build up. Papers due, projects...Till you just want to scream. But, one thing I have to say is that it is normal to feel terrible! It can only get better for you...for me...for everyone. Just take it one day at a time and you will be able to take a deep breath, I'm sure of it! Best wishes!
I know we have all been there. You will find something that you love. You are looking for it now. Your ambition is not gone.
i have read that when you find
yourself in a period of indifference
and daydreaming and feeling uncommitted to anything, that it means that a huge change is coming...
hope that helps...
i know it made me feel better
when i was in it...
You are aware of your needs, desires - that is so important. Many people go through life not seeing "the stuff" that distracts them from living. You see it. You are on your way.
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