Because There's Beauty In The Breakdown

It often feels like my life is a deck of cards, and when one gets shaken, everything falls apart. This whole thing with my father is upsetting because one never likes to fight with a loved one, but it’s so devastating because it opened the door to all of the other issues consuming my life.

I hadn’t intended to talk to my mother about anything when I went to her door after thanksgiving dinner. I had just wanted to say hi, but being my mother, and my best friend really, she knew right away that something was wrong. A discussion of my father ultimately lead to a discussion about me, which is what all of this anger and sadness is really about when it comes down to it. The truth is, I’m unhappy with the state of my life. I have been for quite some time now, but had refused to admit it, refused to let it sink in. Admitting it required a kind of emotional vulnerability that I wasn’t prepared to face.

When my mom pointed out that I was depressed, I began to cry. I suddenly realized how long it had been since I had last cried. I’ve had my eyes tear up many times over the last few months, but I hadn’t cried like this in almost a year. This was that all consuming, uncontrollable, lump-in-your-throat kind of cry, and I could do nothing to stop it. Someday I’ll be brave enough to write about and post all of the problems I have with my life, but for now they’re issues that I need to begin dealing with before I can begin to talk about them. They’re things that I never had the strength to admit to myself, let alone others, and so I’ll need a little time to work up to that. I feel like I’ve already taken a huge step forward just by saying them out loud, even if it was only to my mother and myself. I can finally begin to move on.

I spent all of yesterday feeling depressed. After months of denial, I allowed myself to feel. All of those repressed emotions suddenly overtook me, and I let them. I let the sadness and pain and anger run through my veins. I cried and slept and cried and slept and cried some more. I released months of depression into one day. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life, but I woke up this morning feeling calmer, feeling all of the pressure of repression released from me, feeling renewed. I woke up this morning feeling a kind of peace I hadn’t realized was missing.

That’s not to say everything’s resolved. Of course it isn’t. It will be a long and difficult journey until I’m back to a place of true happiness, but accepting my depression is a good start. A long cry has sparked my restoration. I can breathe again, feel again. I’m no longer numbing myself to my heart, and in a way, that means I’ve already made a change for the better. I’m already on my journey. I hope that someday I’ll be able to look back on this and recognize it as the turning point in my life. I just need to admit my problems to begin finding solutions. I just need to accept that I have the power to change my life. I just need to let go, because there's beauty in the breakdown.