A Bit Of Light

These past two days, I've felt better. People can say that it was only time fulfilling its role, healing wounds, but I know better. It was not time at all that lightened my heart. It was this.

It was writing here. It was the lovely comments and emails and conversations sparked by my writing here. It was the simple act of writing itself. It was the simple act of giving my angst a voice and sharing it with the world.

A dear friend of mine asked me if I censored myself on this blog, knowing anyone could see it, and I surprised even myself that the answer was no. Of course, I try to use names as little as possible and would never write anything that would hurt or embarrass anyone else, but I have never once hesitated to write exactly what was in my own heart. I have never edited a post I've written here, because often in retrospect, I know there are things I'd wish I hadn't said, but of course, know that I needed to say them. All of this is honest and real because it does not come from my analytical head. It comes from my open soul.

Friday I returned to work after being home sick for two days. The majority of my little students had returned from their holiday breaks. It felt so good to see them all again, to have a full classroom, to be busy and useful and needed. I felt more like myself, like the teacher I knew I was and could be, than I have in a while. I was calm and patient and attentive. We played games and chased each other and danced. We comforted one another. Their little smiles and hugs and laughs saved me.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with two of my favorite people. One is the friend I spend every weekday morning with. I see her more than anyone. I tell her more than anyone. She's become my family. The other had just gotten a new house and moved out of our daily lives at work. We went to visit her and her two year old daughter. We drank and ate and gossiped and bonded. We watched America's Next Top Model and made snide comments. We played with her daughter. It was simple and easy and natural. It was exactly what I needed.

I dropped my friend off and raced home to change, raced back out to a country club in the middle of nowhere to celebrate a friend's graduation. It felt so nice to be busy, to have a plan, to not have time to sit and dwell upon everything in my life. The party was lovely. I sat with a group of the best friends I could ever ask for and we ate and talked and laughed. It was perfect. I didn't think about the rest of life. I didn't have things in the back of my mind I was longing to say. I was simply in the moment, enjoying the moment, the way it deserved to be enjoyed.

Today I have a luncheon with a bunch of girlfriends I haven't seen in forever. It will be nice to reconnect, to see them, to know that all of this time can pass between us and we are still friends. It's been far too long. It's been a lifetime.

And perhaps these are only momentary distractions from things I need to deal with, but right now, that's all I really wanted. Just a few lovely events to renew my happiness. Just a few reminders that I am anything but alone. Just a few wonderful people to light my mood, my heart, my life, as they have always done. I am so grateful for the distractions.