Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve wanted to start my life over. Well, not really over. I’m just always looking for that new beginning. I’m always looking for that opportunity to modify my life, that defining moment I can look back to and say that’s when everything changed. For me, there’s almost no greater feeling than those moments when I decide I’m going to take control of my existence. Lately though, I’ve been having too many of those moments.

The trouble is, I keep promising things to myself and then letting myself down. Tomorrow, I think, there’s always tomorrow and that’s when I’ll really begin. That’s when my life will start to come together and everything will be just as it should be. Of course, tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow is always in the future, and so my present begins to be ignored and forgotten. I’m not tending to the now the way I need to be. My mind is always on what should be or what could be and never invested in what already is.

Today I changed my blog, switching from the My Space template back to blogger. I just decided that I needed a change. I decided to clean most of my room, although there’s always more to be cleaned, and decided I’m going back on my diet. Having not had a cigarette all day, I’ve decided they’re disgusting and I’m quitting. Having no more days of work, I’ve decided I’m really going to buckle down at school. Having made all of these decisions, I’ve decided that today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today is a new beginning.

I know, however, that it will only be a matter of time before I fail at all of these resolutions for myself. I know that no matter how much I may convince myself that this time will be different, it won’t be. I’m doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. That sounds so pessimistic, but I’m not sure if I can get past this pattern unless I’m honest with myself. I will never be the person that I’d truly like to be, so maybe I should try and be content with the person I already am. That is, after all, the ultimate goal for myself. Happiness. Happiness is everything.

I know that accomplishing these things will make me happy, but I also know that attempting to accomplish them and failing will make me miserable. Is it better then, to not try at all? Should I simply accept that I’ll never be the person I long to be? I know that’s not right. I also know the high risk of being disappointed in myself yet again. I can’t even stop talking in circles let alone living in them. Sometimes it just feels like I’m doomed either way. Misery is painful and contentment is unsatisfying. Denying myself things makes me unhappy and indulging in things makes me feel guilty. Being an over achiever stresses me out as much as the idea of being a slacker. Everything has pros and cons. Everything has repercussions. Everything is a choice. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Perhaps I should just begin again......tomorrow.