Amen, Omen. Can I Find The Place Within, To Live My Life Without You?

I’ve been neglecting my blog lately. All of my writing energy has been placed into emails to a certain someone in China, and I haven’t had the time to write anything here. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve had the time, but haven’t had much to say beyond the fact that I miss him. I’m not going to write out some long tribute to him as much as I may want to. I’m not using this as a forum to say goodbye. That’s what the emails are for. Instead, I’m going to do the selfish thing and write about me.

This upcoming week is my last week of work. It feels strange knowing I won’t be going there every day, seeing the same people every day. I guess I wouldn’t necessarily call the majority of my coworkers my friends, but in retrospect, they’ve been the people I’ve spent the most time with over this past year. In some ways, this job has been the most constant thing in my life recently and my days will feel different without it. As much as I hate to admit it, part of me will miss it.

School begins Monday. Sometimes I forget I’m still a student, as dumb as that may sound. I suppose part of it was having the job all year round, and never really having a break from working, but I think it’s also my separation from school. I enjoy the separation. In fact, that was a big factor in my decision to leave Kalamazoo, the freedom to have a life outside of campus. At the same time, maybe I’ve become too separated. I feel so distanced from college life. I feel like a grown up taking night classes. I don’t know how you’re supposed to feel at this age, but I don’t think it’s like this. I guess I spend too much time worrying about how I’m supposed to feel, how I’m supposed to be. Since when did I fall victim to expectations?

I spent a lot of time this summer worrying about how this next year would play out, worrying how I’d get by without you. Things will be different. I’m officially declared in my new major of which I know nothing about, I’ll no longer be employed at Higgins, my best friend is half way across the world, I’m living at home with my schizophrenic father and brother. I was worried that while all of my friends were off having adventures, I’d be here doing the same daily routine, unable to grow and evolve into someone new, but I was wrong. I failed to see my own adventure. Life. Life is an adventure all on its own, and even when I feel stagnant, I’m still moving. I can only move forward, onward and upward.

Even being without him is an adventure for me, a growing experience. I assumed that I would be lonely this semester with so many friends gone away, but the truth is, I’ve always wanted this time for myself. My friends will still be my friends no matter how far away they go, and for now, I’m going to embrace this time to really be alone. Not in a sad way, but in the kind of self exploration way I need. It’s sort of a prolonged solo experience. Of course, I’m certainly far from isolation and I still have friends around and friends at Temple that I have made and will make in the upcoming semester. Still, I plan to find within me a new kind of strength, the strength to be without you. I’d like to learn to like myself, and maybe that sounds simple, but in twenty years I have yet to learn it, yet to make that kind of peace within my soul.

I haven’t always made time to be selfish, but it is important to have that time I think. I want to make this upcoming semester about me. I want to work hard in school and stick to a diet and really work on my writing. I want nights that I can devote completely to reading a good book and days I can devote to walking alone in the woods and pondering life. I want to figure out exactly who I am and exactly who I want to be. I want to find within myself the person I long to be. I want to find the strength to live my life without you, to live my life for me. It’s about time I began the journey.