Enough Is Enough But It's Never Enough

I haven't been blogging enough. Actually, I haven't really been doing anything productive as much as I'd like to. I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I haven't written in my journal. I haven't run all the errands I need to, or made plans with the various people I've told I'd make plans with. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I seemed to be rather drained, lacking the kind of energy I had so recently. Somewhere along the way, I fell off track.

I was even sort of enjoying work for a while. I was so on top of things, so in control. I liked coming in early and staying late, simply to have that extra time to get myself organized. My boss started sending me nice emails about what a good job I was doing and how he much he appreciated it. It was very out of character for him, which only made it more meaningful for me. I'm a real sucker for a thank you. Now I can barely concentrate. I keep turning my attention to facebook and AIM and shopping online. I can't seem to make myself be productive at all. I think its part of my passive aggressive nature. My boss is busy these days with another project he's working on and his 6-year-old daughter who's in town for a month. In turn, I get angry sitting in this office by myself. I resent having to come in early and stay late when he's not even around to see it.

And the truth is, it shouldn't matter to me what he thinks. The truth is, he isn't very nice to me. The truth is, it only makes me want to prove myself to him more. It's sick, isn't it? I have this desperate need to be liked, and the only way I can validate myself is by having people like me, having people approve. I know it's messed up. Everything in my head tells me I'm being completely illogical, but my heart, my stupid, fucked-up heart, can't ever seem to let me love myself.

I don't want to be one of those people who whine to their psychiatrists about how their parents royally fucked them up. I don't want to be yet another girl with daddy issues, but I am. I have them. My father did this to me and I know it. I can't even really see a psychiatrist because I'm so ashamed of the cliché that is my life. I will never be good enough for my father. For anyone who's ever felt this way, you know how much it sucks. Thank God for my mom. I can't even imagine where I'd be without her. My father used to get angry that my mom and I are so alike, that we had so much in common. It's true that we do, but more than that, we have the ability to love each other unconditionally, to love in general unconditionally. Sometimes I really don't think my father has that trait.

Granted, right now I'm angry and venting and may regret being so harsh in the future, but this was not an isolated incident. I've felt this way for most of my life. He can't even really talk to me, or when he does talk, it's not about anything real. I get details about his day or his band, the kind of thing you tell a casual acquaintance you run into at an awkward dinner party. When at an actual dinner party, particularly one where he can sense I feel awkward, he seems to go out of his way to embarrass me. Not your general oh-my-goodness-my-parents-are-so-embarrassing kind of thing, but with a vindictive attack on my character. I don’t think he necessarily does it to be mean, he just doesn’t understand where to draw the line. He honestly doesn’t understand the difference between the way my mother and I joke with one another and the way he cruelly makes fun of me. It’s not teasing. It’s being an asshole.

I build up all of this anger and turn it against myself. I want to be sympathetic to this man who’s had two divorces and four fucked up children, but I can’t. I understand why he can’t hold a relationship with anyone. He’s not capable of loving unconditionally, and I really do believe that. At some point I just have to say enough is enough, but it’ll never be enough. I’ll never be enough. It’s something he and I both know. It’s our own little joke that I’ll never find funny.