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"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy, permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London

Sunday, June 08, 2008

So Much To Say



There is so much to say about this place. Every day I discover something new to love, some small detail I had yet to notice; the way the roses are beginning to bloom in our garden, the way the suctioning sound of our screen door as it closes reminds me of every beach house I've ever been to, the way the quiet of my room inexplicably reminds me of childhood, the way it feels to sit on our front porch with a cup of tea and watch the world go by, the way it feels like home.

I have tried to take pictures, but between my lack of a good camera and my lack of photography skills, somehow I can't seem to translate the feel of the place into an image. That's never been a skill of mine. I have spent years of my life trying to capture places and moments through images and words to no avail. So many times I've stood before those winding European streets, those intricate curves of architectural splendor, trying to transport their wonder with me without success. So many times I've walked among crowds of faces with stories desperate to be told, and fields of flowers whose beauty longs to be expressed, and buildings with histories aching to be uncovered. It is difficult to do any of it justice, through any means. It is difficult to find a way of keeping it all with me. Still, I promise to post photos soon.

I have been having a lot of trouble at work, which is partially to blame for my lack of blogging. It seems wrong somehow, to write about this here, not because it is public necessarily, but more because this type of subject matter tends to come across as more of a whining session and less of an expression of my need to create, my need to write. Yet, it feels equally wrong to write about anything else, to ignore the focal point of my current thoughts, to deny myself the opportunity to explore what I'm feeling. It feels wrong to pretend that everything is wonderful.

There is so much to say about this place, about this current realm of emotions. I have spent the past few weeks very unhappy at my job, which is completely uncharacteristic and unexpected. My slightest unhappiness is generally pretty apparent given it's rarity. Everyone knows, and in some ways that only makes it worse. It only makes it more difficult to take a deep breath and put all of my grievances behind me. I can't just revert back to the way I was without dealing with anything, without some sort of change. I am not like my two year old students who take each feeling as it comes. I carry these things with me. They only grow heavier with time.

And so in an effort to be better about asking for help, asking for what I want and need, I sat down with my boss and discussed some options. She was great, and while we didn't land on anything official just yet, simply talking about it helped in some small way. But that was a week ago and I have spent almost every day since growing more agitated, wondering if one of these small changes will be enough of a difference, wondering if it's time for something more drastic. A large part of me feels as though all of my favorite decisions have been the big and impulsive ones. But another part of me knows that most of those decisions have been about running away from things when they got tough. Yes, life is short, but I also know that I can't spend my life leaving situations just because they've stopped being fun. And there lies my constant dilemma about this place.

I still love every second with those children. None of this is about them, or about my need to be doing something other than teaching. This is what I want to do. This is what I love to do. It is about the adult nonsense that gets in the way. It is about the politics of administration and the attitudes of coworkers and the consistent questioning of why people who miss the sublime perfection of children choose to do this. It can't be about the money. Trust me.

I have woken up every morning trying to be positive and have come home every afternoon in tears. I have, for the first time in my life, tried to ease my nerves at night with a glass or two of wine. I am not proud to admit that, not that it's the worst thing I could be doing, but it's the first time I've ever felt a need for alcohol and it scares and saddens me. I want, so badly, to believe that this is a phase, that when I can potentially switch classrooms next week, I'll be happier. But I suppose a larger part of me, a more logical part, doesn't fully believe that.

I think the truth is, I'm burnt out. I haven't slept past five am in almost two years. Between sickness and vacation days, I've taken maybe a total of 15 days away from that place in almost two years. That's been my whole life for almost two years. I'm in need of a break. And generally this kind of mental and emotional breakdown is the best way to spot such a need. I guess I just feel stuck between a place I have felt so much love in, and generally so much love for, and my need to have a break from it. I guess all of those pro and con lists I've made have only left me more torn. I guess I just need to make some sort of decision, one way or another.

And while this is just whining, as I suspected it would be, I needed to write it down. There is so much to say about this place, this time in transit between the old and new, this waiting for a new chapter to begin. I have been here before and I will be here again, and each time I will try to capture the way it feels to no avail. Each time I will fail to do it justice. Each time will feel more significant than anything that has come before, the way that each new rose that blooms seems to be more gorgeous than the last, the way every winding road in Europe still leaves me breathless, the way every place I've ever put my heart has felt like home. The way there is so much to say about that.

15 comments:

Sky said...

you mention teaching, but it confuses me that there is no summer break for you or the children if you have only had 15 days off in 2 years including vacations. is this a childcare center like kinder-care which offers a more structured learning environment than most childcare centers?

if you enjoy teaching you might like working within an educational system which offers more time off - summer breaks and other semester breaks throughout the shcool year including almost a month off during the holidays and another week in spring with days off here and there during other months. this might mean more education for you, but it sounds like it might be worth it if you enjoy teaching so much. your writing implies this could be the profession in which you will find extraordinary joy. keep in mind that administrative issues will always surface from time to time, issues which are difficult to accept in all lines of work. good luck to you as you explore your feelings and make decisions.

it is so nice to read how much you enjoy your new home. it was also very promising to read the words between you and your father. i realize this is a rocky road for you, but it seems to hold much promise for success. i wish you both joy in rediscovering the other. :)

Bethany Bassett said...

Sometimes a break is the only thing that can help me get a clear perspective; I hope one is in the works for you! And no matter what, I believe you'll find yourself making the right decision. ::Hugs::

jenica said...

trust your inner voice. you need a real vacation!

Beetlebum said...

I think if you are feeling this torn a break is definitely necessary. Mental health is important - take time for yourself to figure things out or to sleep past 5 am and be only around people you like.

In terms of whining - you don't sound like you're whining. And even if you are, so what? You are human. No one should expect you to be perfect all the time, to be happy all the time (including you!). It is completely normal to feel the way you feel; it is human.

I hope things start to brighten up at work. If there's anything I can do to help you destress let me know!

gkgirl said...

i am so happy that
things are good in the new home...
:)

and it sucks when
work sucks,
to put it bluntly.
because it sucks the fun out
of everything else...

it definitely sounds like you
need a break, a change, a breath.
i hope you get what you need.
hugs

madelyn said...

you need a massive
mysterious magical

vacation....

you do:)

Pauline said...

The biggest advantage of being a parent of a two year old, and a teacher of one, is that a parent gets to deal with a 3 year old next, and then a 4 year old, etc. I agree with Sky above - perhaps a different school setting would be your next step. There will always be administrative problems - remember that when you become and administrator!

Sounds like your new home is the perfect antidote to a stressful job.

jenica said...

i think you need to come to squam art workshops in sept. it won't solve your need for a break RIGHT now, but it will give you something amazing to look forward to.

i'll be there.

xoxo

Pen said...

oh sweet frankie.
i hear you.
and the frustration is so real and intense at times it's hard to see through it.

you have been absent for a little while and i hope it is because you are taking the time to sit with your thoughts and heart to see where they lead you.

you are a wonderfully intuitive person and i have no doubts your answers will be found within.

until then, know that this is a space that you will always be supported in spilling and sharing your thoughts.

can't wait to see some pics of your beautiful new home xx

Tabor said...

It seems that all your blogmates have given you some good advice at this time in your life. Sometimes a health issue complicates feelings and adjusting to stress, so make sure you are taking long walks or exercising, etc. I love the way you paint the lovely picture of your new home with words and you don't need to be a good photographer to do that.

jenica said...

i'm here.

it's summer time so i hope you're out splashing and playing and rolling down green hills.

if you're not... know that i'm here.

xoxo

Sky said...

"So Much To Say" and yet you disappear! :) hope you are enjoying your summer.

meghan said...

I agree with everyone else - you need a break!! When you've had time away you will be better able to see. Trust me!!

xo

daringtowrite said...

I'm just catching up and this post is "old news" now I suppose, but your insight and courage to explore your thoughts out loud continues to impress and inspire me.

daringtowrite said...

oh, and I think your photos and descriptions are exquisite.